achieving balance

i have this daunting feeling that i never give enough
so there are times when i just shut down
no return phone calls
no "how you doing" just because i'm thinking of you
i just shut down

no writing
no cards
no visiting
no thoughts

people's well being is my concern
over my own
and when i fail to make them well
i fail

it's a marter's nightmare

i can never do enough
like i can never have too many drinks
or too many chocolate bars
or too many cups of coffee
until i make myself sick

i attract those less fortunate
and bleed my soul on to them
steering a herd of sheep onto the right path
and they never asked me to do it in the first place

how self righteous is that?
yes, it's selfish

when no one really wants anything from me
anything but my friendship
my companionship
my love
MY well being

no, it's not my purpose

i must give
i will
once i'm rested again

it makes me who i am
but if i am to stay sane
worthy
functional
sober
i must find balance

my sheep need me
whether they know it or not
and i need them

but for now i'm safe in my lair
until the threat of my self is gone
a place where i recoup
i regroup
i regenerate

because as much as giving of myself takes away
drains my energy
and exhausts my spirit
giving is my purpose

and i shall give what i have
one person at a time
one soul at a time
one heart at a time

and when i accept that some just can't be helped
and that its none of my business

i will have achieved balance

regardless

when the morning breaks
all blackness erased
and the day before
can be seen no more

you're still in my heart
though distant as the stars
not in space but in time
its your journey, follow the signs

as you take your own path
i seek mine and don't look back
eyes forward, peripheral vision off
each step i feel, each step i walk

i know exactly what i want
ready to receive and nurture
for what i've settled for in the past
no longer fits in my future

you've shaped me with your beauty
you've taught me with your pain
i'm grateful for each moment
these lessons are not in vain

i've no regrets, only clarity
guidelines for what i want and don't want
through you i've experienced so much
more than i had planned


i will always thank you
i will always appreciate you
i will always carry you with me
and i will always love you,


regardless

paper cuts to carpet cuts

monday morning
my coffee cup in hand
late for work
didn't want to turn on the stairway light cuz
the big boy was sleeping in the adjacent room

it's 5:45am
and i'm carefully maneuvering my tired body and
my morning cup of joe back up the stairs
to return to the bathroom so i can quickly
prepare for work

not running, walking.
aware of the four fur ball shadows
that are darting in and out of view
as if i've missed the segment in their
routine that requires i pet them each for five minutes.

climbing. careful. its dark.
but i can somewhat see the glow of the
dimly lit powder room so that's what i focus on.
bad move.

for what i couldn't see was the top stair

bam! left foot big toe barely (no pun intended) catches
the front of it, hurling me forward, and not very quietly either,
as i try to keep myself from slamming into the corner of the wall

coffee up my nose, feet pounding the floor
dancing with two left feet.  geeeezuzzz! i wanted to scream.

i gain control and assess the immediate damage when
i reach the bathroom. phew. im good.
i contained the spillage with my clothing

staring into the mirror. ouch, i think.  i look down.
blood.
all over the bathroom floor.
my left foot toe is split wide open on the underside

serious?  by carpet? had to be a nail, right?
went back but this time turned the light on
(screw the boy. he can go back to sleep)

no nail. no glass. no needle. no knife. no wire. no nothing.
just carpet.

i now wear my old man slippers all over the house

they say paper cuts are the worst thing
i beg to differ

seeing the world deeper than topical

sometimes i confuse happiness with contentment
there are times when i truly am happy but those times
are the direct result of something specific happening
for instance,
being with friends and family
eating a bowl of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream
watching my favorite tv shows or sporting event
receiving good news
getting a new job
having a day off from the new job
blah, blah and so on

contentment is not happiness
it is peace
peace is a state of mind
a state of mind which is void of
stress, turmoil, pain, depression, a "to do" list

when someone asks me if im happy
i tell them, "yes", at times
but it depends on how i choose to perceive
things, people, opportunities, events, etc.

it is not my aim to be "happy"
it is my aim to be at peace
happiness does not take work, just a decision
peace, on the other hand, does
it takes seeing the world deeper than topical
understanding that one controls absolutely nothing
and that acceptance of any given situation is possible

and when that happens...that acceptance happens
i am content

and contentment makes me happy

autumn leaves and a tangled chord

so i come home from work the other evening and decided after
much procrastination...well, really not procrastinating.  more like
standing around staring at the adjacent rooms surrounding me...
that i would vacuum the carpet.  there were autumn leaves scattered
everywhere

how do they get in here?
do i really come in and out of the house that much?
do i leave the door open that long to allow the blustery
winds of fall to escort them in via flight?
maybe they stick to my footwear (or socks) but
wouldn't you think that i would notice them crunchy
beneath my feet or just feel them as simply foreign objects?

however they get from the trees to my living floor
makes no difference.  the fact is that they don't belong in
the house.  and they've been there for too many days already.
dry, brown, dead foliage, sometimes mistaken for scary little varmints
out of the corner of my eye

so, i pull out the vacuum.  the Dyson. the super sucker.
the one with a wind tunnel container, hydraulic hoses and a 3.6 liter
engine that requires a large amount of electricity to run.
ok. i know that makes no sense, the engine part, but that's what
it sounds like when i flip the switch and start that 20 pound
yellow brick of a tool. and its not the one with the wheel so
that bitch is heavy to push!

i'm vacuuming.  the cats scatter from fright but not
before leaving behind toffs of hair during their escape,
now added to the pile of leaves

im vacuuming over the leaves, breaking them into teeny tiny
pieces as i run them over because they are too big whole to fit
under the nose of the yellow (over rated) tool.
then im down on my knees shoving them up the sucker nose,
lifting the front sometimes because the tool is just pushing them
around in front of it, even the teeny tiny pieces

up and down
back and forth i push

sweating

i get to the other side of the living room and i feel a tug

damn it. the chord is tangled. this is a problem which has, for some
unknown reason, irritated me

i freeze in thought.  motor still revving. just a few more square feet
of the carpet left to finish.  i don't want to walk back the twenty-feet
and untangle the mess of chord

maybe if i just tug a little more...flip the chord up a little like
swinging a jump rope.  gently.  easy.  i work on this for 5 minutes...

snap! the chord ejects from the outlet on the wall,
hits the kitchen chair,
ricochets across the table top,
knocks over a glass of water
and then strikes the plant on the  stand next to the chair
spilling most of its contents onto the hard wood floor.
the engine whines down slowly and comes to a complete stop

twenty feet

i hate those leaves

the photo

"let's play who can be the quietest for the longest time", she said with exuberance beaming across her face.  those words along with that big smile and those vibrant blue eyes created a frenzy of excitement amongst us siblings

a clan of eight in total, all ranging from the ages of two to seventeen at the time

we were gathered in the kitchen.  some of us standing, others sitting around the oval, white topped hand crafted table our father had made to suit our needs at feast gatherings.  the littlest one, crawling around on the floor

"ok, ready?  go!" she instructed.
just seconds later, someone giggled
which started a chain reaction of giggles,
then outbursts of chatter, and then someone saying, "now what game are we gonna play?"

she really didn't think this was gonna work did she?
a ploy to calm the chaos and noise of her unruly brothers and sisters while she was in charge of us for the night, the folks out getting their much needed break from the repercussions of having so many damn kids

she just laughed right along with us and we continued creating a ruckus amongst her 

nothing unusual 

she never let us know how distressed she really was. it's just not her

from the moment i entered her life i was hers
without question and without void of responsibility
she didn't have to love me
but she HAD to love me

the photo on my profile is of she and i
a newborn placed in five year old arms
just look and you can see
she held me while holding back her own fears
sheltering me from the chaos that existed
and that which would ensue

the early years consisted of both laughter and tears
she would go out of her way to make the holidays special by being creative
we'd make tinfoil chains and popcorn garland together to hang on the tree

during cold nights she made sure me and my younger sister was covered and warm
and if we couldn't sleep she would place her feet on the icy steel framed foot board and push creating a gigantic cradle, rocking us and singing until we well asleep

she was the oldest and with that came the falloff of young parents going through their own trials and tribulations

she was our second mom
nurturing and loving in every way
but better than a mom because she only had us
to concentrate on, so it seemed

my sister eventually left us for reasons of natural rights of passage that come with graduating from high school and turning eighteen
and other reasons that were incited by an overbearing, accusatory and belligerent father who never showed anything other than his disapproval of our existence

she moved on to marry
she moved on to erase the pain and worry over what we had all gone through and what those left behind would still have to experience in this dysfunctional family

but she never moved on from us,
from me

she had her own children eventually and raised them how she would have wanted to be raised 
how she raised her sibling children

to this day she is the still the quite one in the background
watching, checking in, providing caring words of support
in a voice so soft, so sweet and so without judgment

and so unlike what she was taught

just the other day we were talking about my employer and their uncaring tactics of getting something for nothing
she said, "they just don't know how much you are worth!"

well, they might not know, but i do
she reminds me everyday

just look at the photo

the weakness in me

sometimes, i think (analyze) about why im

feeling a particular way

i proclaim this to be normal

so, i decided for this post i would write about

my weaknesses

im not talkin about weaknesses like the inability to refuse

two or three...okay, maybe more, pieces of my sisters homemade

cinnamon rolls. with all that brown sugar crystallized between each layer, filling 

an entire house with its "im over here" aroma; topped off with rich vanilla

icing which drips down the sides of each soft, gooey, luscious roll, spilling over 

and down between each finger as i shove them into my mouth like i've never eaten before...ever

or not being able to lift a 30 pound pail of cat litter and carry it

two flights to the basement and then walk back up the what feels like

four flights now

im not referring to my addiction to alcohol that has been in remission

for years though never leaves my thoughts for too long due to constant

reminders by people, places and things

and im certainly not thinking about my inability to say no when it comes

to someone needing help, needing something that would make them feel better

little things mostly, but some big...like time

or when a kitty needs a home and im already at cat lady status...

but i take them anyway

the weakness in me, is the weakness in you

you that gets the raw deal

you that can't catch a break

or maybe is having a string of bad luck

you that gets picked on, belittled 

you that is judged without having committed a crime

not a crime of law, at least

you that gets treated by your "better half" like you are the

sole reason for their unhappiness...and you stay anyway

you that can't see how special you are, how unique you are

and how you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect

because that's how you treat others

you that doesn't quite fit the bill according to the majority

or according to your own perceptions based on lies

you that takes to heart negative comments by someone

incapable of taking responsibility for their own actions or

without regard for anyone else's feelings but their own

you, that won't give up regardless of any of these things

i soak it up

breath it in and wrap my arms around it

try to find ways to ease your pain, your burden

make you feel worthy or just give you a small break from

the madness

sometimes i don't even know you at all

never met you

but i hurt anyway

sucks the energy right out of me

i listen, i feel, i retreat deeper within myself

i concluded that the weakness in me is the weakness in you

and that the weakness in you is

me

lessons from a pseudo ritirement

something happened while i was "retired" for

two years

i got a chance to learn how to live with less

and realized how much more i had than i ever

thought

time is precious

money is not

you just need enough of both to get by

at least into the next day

i finally figured out what "one day at a time" means

i learned that there are a lot better shows on tv

during the wee hours of the night than are on before

9:30pm

i appreciate my employer so much more

than i ever did before

i owe them, they don't owe me

i waded through hours in a 24 hour period

wondering what to do with myself

and now know that i didnt have to do anything

but just be

i wasted a lot of time on worry

fret

depression

fear

ill never get that time back
no do-overs

but i learned i never want to put myself

through the waste again

i gained wisdom, patience, and humility

all necessary ingredients for growth

i mended relationships and ended others

accepting which were worthy of sustaining

and which were just never going to be sustainable

i learned some bad habits and some good

and i learned that time marches on regardless of

our situation or others'

i look in the mirror and see the wear on my face

i get up in the morning and feel the wear on my body

and can accept that both have aged

but like finely cared for grapes, in time they can

make some pretty damn good wine

i learned that no matter how good you are

some will always choose to just see your bad

no matter how much you give

some will always just take

no matter how strong we are

some will always remind us of our weaknesses

i learned that i am much loved, very loved in fact

but i cannot be loved by all

but it's my love that i have for those who are a

part of my immediate connection, life line, thread of hope

that makes me who i am and who i want to always be...

all that is possible, all that is good, all that is to be learned

mistakes, defects and the whole package...

i am

just me

wind rain and the thoughts they bring

sometimes when the wind blows like it has the last few days i sit outside at night and allow it to wash over my face, instantly disturbing any thoughts trying to form into some element of reality. the strength of the intermittent gusts forces my eyes to close

i forget that my arms are a little cool and my feet should have shoes on them

i just sit there, imagining mother earth is speaking to me, so soothing

the sounds of streaming howls, leaves bustling across the porch and fragile branches cracking only to end up on the ground with a final snap as they land

no crickets, or tree frogs or any of the other critters that make up the nature choir that normally sings on a hot, humid night...all night

just the wind.  and me. and no thoughts. peace

but for some reason my mind doesn't allow me to be at that resting state for too long before the "what ifs"start winning over

what if the wind blows a tree down upon the house

what if the wind knocks out the power, cuz then i have to worry about not having an alarm clock to wake me for work.  i hate being late for work

or...

i have to worry that the damn sump pump in the basement not being able to do its job without power.

where is the shop vac?  does it still work?  how many buckets of water will i have to bail out to keep all that is stored from getting soaked.  ruined.  moldy.

stuff in the basement that doesn't need to be there anymore. in my opinion

maybe a tornado will form

nah

i wish it would rain

sometimes i sit outside when it rains, half sheltered and half exposed to the wetness that the wind picks up and washes across my face, instantly disturbing any thoughts that were trying to form into some element of reality. the strength of the intermittent spraying forces my eyes to close...

puzzle pieces

i stole an idea for a blog from a pen pal on FB
i've read a lot of inspiring posts but this one just drove me
to respond because i've questioned the same thing for awhile now

this is the jest of what she wrote:

"...i am such a puzzle...too many pieces and wonder if anyone can love all the pieces..can I"

this sounds like me and, i'm sure, so many other women too
and men, maybe, but i'm doubtful
but i could be wrong guys, just sayin

anyway, this is what i want to say, try to stay with me and just open your mind a bit

let me start with this...
you can't have too many pieces because if you do
you have two separate puzzles
 we are just one

 i believe
the puzzle we speak of
started out as being a whole picture
a scene, our life

then, cast upon the earth we came in pieces 
in order to transition from one of non physical
to one of physical
you know, like particles of light, matter, coming in waves and
forming pictures on a tv screen or a computer
like purchases that come with "some assembly required"

for me, i like the corner pieces because they are easy to recognize
then the outline or borders for the same reason
then its on to the middle, the heart of the puzzle, the soul

you already know what your heart says
what it believes
what its function is
and what its potential is

you work on finding the pieces, they do exist, there are none missing
be sure of this
one piece at a time
sometimes we need help, assistance, guides
they are called friends, family, lovers, partners, enemies, acquaintances, passer bys, etc
we have to let them help
we continue the assembly

again, one piece at a time

the soul
what you truly are
one of love, vibration and so much to draw from
and offer to others, so much to share
never ending light

you'll see the light
keep searching in that big pile of seemingly endless pieces
full of color, arrays, geometric shapes and lines

that's you

piece by piece
bringing the picture into full view
it was there all along
you can just see it now with your physical eyes

the awakening

your life is only a "puzzle" to you
its beautiful
but even so is the process of putting it together

maybe you misplaced a piece
frantically struggling to locate it

panic, sad, depression, doubt, hopelessness

look on the floor, you'll find it there
pick it up, dust it off
maybe the edges are a little torn, jagged,
faded, discolored
all that which we call imperfections
remnants of time

love your work of art anyway
it is perfect in the eyes of creation
and know that there are others
that struggle to put their puzzles together too
who wonder if what they created
in this physical world
can be loved in its entirety
loved by someone special
another soul, being, heart, who will like
what they see and like the feelings that the puzzle
brings, the emotion, appreciate the work that went into it
appreciate the art and want to add to it
be a part of putting it together with you

the answer is "yes"

but you have to be open, allowing
the borders and corners have to be flexible
somewhat permeable without breaking down
willing

but only you can answer whether or not you love
your own creation
i know you can, we all can

ask...what's not to love
then

let it go

and when the question comes back around
and it will
let it go again

and again

until you have in your heart 

trust

ah, yeah, trust in yourself

trust that your life,


is not 

a puzzle 

afterall

bouncing thoughts, pin ball to bingo

writing is like an addiction
i know about addictions
gotta have it, do it, see it, breath it, be it

a keyboard on a computer is like a keyboard on a piano
i sit, postured, ready, fingers hovering the back lit letters
ready to pounce and translate thoughts to screen via buttons
make beautiful music
even if i'm the only audience
i enjoy the sound
and the release
soothing and...
relaxing

ahhhhh

gotta get my fix

my thoughts have been scrambling, bouncing around like the lil round steely
in a pin ball machine
the weird thing is
that steely, my thoughts, ricocheting off built-in barriers,
is being smacked around by those paddles controlled by
none other than...


me

i just want to hit that bell at the top, damn it
send the shiny ball down the sides
only to be ejected back into the playing field
(which is a good thing)

the object? the goal?

don't let steely go between the paddles or...

game over

good, i'm tired of playing this stupid game anyway
it's time for a new one

venture out, expand my mind, fill it with new thoughts
new feelings, new hopes, new light and new love

yeah, to hell with pin ball

let's play bingo!

oh, i am going to be one busy thinking girl

time

and so you move on
when someone or something you love, like, want, need
is taken away, for whatever reason
you go through the grieving process

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance

at acceptance, the process is complete but not necessarily over
but the healing can begin
the black cloud weighted with its uncertainty and fear
is replaced by the light of reality

and, therefore, choices must be made

the choice of how you will move on
the choice of what fashion or manner you conduct yourself
the choice of whether to ask for help or go it alone

acceptance of an unwanted circumstance does not always
mean that you are happy with it
you just don't fight it anymore
the sadness that lingers, or the frustrations and heartache
that accompany the situation may still exist

but, we have the choice to deal with it with dignity

i can only hope, through these trials and tribulations
of the past two years, that i handled myself with dignity

denial: this shit can't happen to me
anger: this shit is happening to me and everyone else is to blame for it!
bargaining: please, i can't take this shit anymore, i promise i'll be a better person
depression: i'm knee deep in shit and i can't see past it anymore
acceptance: shit happens, move on

well, its time to move on
time to say goodbye to the home i've known for so long
that i put my sweat, tears and life's savings into

time to pack up my belongings and my memories
my dreams, my comfort, my one thing that said,
"hey, you did good.  you were successful."

two years later.

i denied the inevitable, isolated my fears
i cursed the world and all its evil doers with as much anger as i could muster
i bargained like a hostage trying to save their own life
i allowed the blackness to envelope me, shielding my true potential
and, finally, i accepted that a new journey must begin; correction, HAD begun

now, it's up to me to choose how i will handle it
i choose dignity, humility, tears, courage, love and humbleness
i choose to believe that i am truly a blessed individual
i choose to believe that my earthly possessions does not determine success
i choose to allow life to happen as it may
and if that means i have to grieve to get through from time to time

so be it

no matter how hard we try to avoid grief
how hard we try to rush through the process,
to rid ourselves of emotional pain
reach the other side where the grass is really just as green

there is truly only one healer...

time

children should be seen and not heard

everything was going great at the 4th party
everyone swimming, enjoying good eats and good company
mother sitting with father under the umbrella and
i thought i would join them for a visit

family together

parents and their child

the conversation started out ok
then on to losing my house, no job
he offered words of good wisdom and support
okay, i can handle this

cigarettes, he quit, i can't, i'm trying
i'm not doing it right
be stronger

then, he brought up the catholic church
and how supreme it is
and how hell is so horrible and what its like there
and if we only knew we'd all straighten out our lives

a clear suggestion to me, obvious by his facial expressions
that i should be living differently, better, more catholic like

should have seen it coming but not always is he like this
or...should i say...not always am I like this
(cuz, YES, he is always like this!)

for everything i said, he had something negative to report back

pompous (both of us)

>mother got up and silently left

i watched her leave, trying to get her to lock eyes with me

mom...stay...don't do this to me (like i was 12 years old again)

like she did so many times in the past
left me there with him
forced to sit at the table as he downed his 50th beer
while he judged, and damned and cursed every human being on the planet that wasn't of his ethnic background, including his wife and children
left me and all the others to save her own sanity

it was how she coped<


father and daughter engaged in debate
not a pretty sight
i will always lose
its been proven throughout history


here we go...the lecture, flash back in time:


catholics are the supreme church
if you are not baptized you are going to hell
if you are gay you are going to hell
if you have children out of wed lock you are going to hell
if you divorce you are going to hell
being a good person isn't good enough for God
says he's probably going to hell too (gonna take me with him)
God will damn his own children...
on and on and on...


the rebuttal:

how, THEN, do i be good enough for Him, i inquired
not really a question...a stab...a defense mechanism...no thought....just emotion
i didn't want an answer...i wanted out!

read the bible!!! he replied

"no...YOU tell me
since you know so much about the bible

i have read it
i don't believe anything you just said and i don't believe everything in the bible"

ohhh, that's when this already failing and ugly conversation crossed over to
full out battle

its when his face turned bright red under that
dark copper tan
his eyes narrowed and blackened, glazing over
i could see the sun reflecting off them

who the Hell is teaching you these things?!?!?

then the grunting began, he leaned forward, lips pierced, contemplating his next fireball flame to eject from his tormented soul...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned/Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." - William Congreve
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

that's when i knew it was time to just walk away
but, i didn't
my own anger got the best of me
i knew better
don't engage, don't engage

ENOUGH!!!!


i broke
and quietly i spoke
under my skin i allowed him to crawl
forcing the tears underground so he wont see me bawl
couldn't shush my big trap this time around
no longer a clear head could be found


my defense:

NOT my God
NOT my God
NOT my God
would do such things
would you do such things, strip your children of their wings?
My God loves unconditionally
your soul set free when you return to thee
everyone is equal and all is forgiven
we make our own hell and we make our own prison
don't poison me with your rant
conformance to your beliefs, no, no, i can't


i didn't give him another chance to say anything

i said lets just agree to disagree
i can't take anymore of this conversation


i finally freed myself and left
moments later, he left, leaving my mother to find a way home
typical


i know better
i know better



i allowed this to ruin the rest of my day


and now, in light of how i am
what i believe
to cleanse my soul
make right with God


i owe him an apology for my behavior
i should have said nothing
like i normally do


children should be seen and not heard
sorry, not me

when

black
black
black
darkness hovers like vultures

dont look up

fear, future, panic, no uncle sam funds, no job, no home

self-pitty
im entitled once in awhile

out of balance with the universe

i don't know how much i can endure

lost
lost
lost
i need a map, i can't see in front of me

lots of answers for others
not too many for me

wait
wait
wait
the door will open

when

learning to surf

they come in waves
the worries, the fears, the uncertainties, the disappointments
but just know the tide that brings them in will take them out
grab that surf board and ride

learning to surf can be exhilarating

included in the wave is this thing called
forgiveness
in order to understand what it means to forgive
we must first experience the hurt that warrants it

learning to surf can be painful

the wave also brings deceit
which means we may get fooled
not by another but by our own perceptions
our own expectations

learning to surf requires trusting yourself to overcome

the wave brings with it debris
the water can get muddy, gritty
sometimes it's salty and stings your eyes
or it's so huge it knocks you off your ass
slamming you face first into the wall of its power

learning to surf requires practice and courage to get back on the board

life events, emotions, joys, darkness, challenges
come in waves
oh its nice when the ocean is calm, serene, motionless
this is what we all hope to experience

but knowing that the universe does not sit still...

activity will stir...

and with that motion we may get a little tossed around...

hold on to your butt...

and learn to surf

asleep

i was at a gathering yesterday with family
and friends, people i love and people i just met
most times i find myself in these gatherings
where the subject of politics and religion
never comes up

my father, however, always seems to manage to
get some poke of negativity in on both subjects
but often i can just allow him to be him
and not let it permeate my skin
permeate my neurons and ego

last night was not one of those times
and it was not my father on this occasion
it was a man whom i never met before
a stranger
a good friend of the host and hostess
around the campfire

"purgatory"

oh no

here we go

i think my brother brought it up

that word started the spark

the stranger

a self proclaimed blood born-again christian
judging the world, judging the catholics,
judging the blacks, judging the mexicans,
judging the president, judging the homosexuals
theyre all going to hell
jesus and god are killers of sinners
judgment day

ugly, ugly, ugly

i shut him up later
just confessed who he was sitting next to
he left

i felt ill
my own judging eating at me
he permeated my skin
toxic poisonous words
against the grain of what god is truly about
love...forgiveness...no matter what

people

humans

me

for a short while

i was...

asleep

a science lesson

imagine that we live in a circle
not that circle of life thing but
the family circle, made up of blood lines, friends,
extended family members, by either law or just welcoming
arms that say "come, join us", "be a part of us"

then, i have a question

does the circle just get bigger and bigger
as the family grows
and does it reach a point where it gets so
big that it stretches like a balloon and
if so will it burst?

pop

or do the circles go through mitosis:

"...the process by which a parent cell divides into two or more daughter cells. Cell division is usually a small segment of a larger cell cycle..."

yeah, that's the answer

through the process of mitosis, not through the expansion of air
inside a balloon, an attempt to equalize the pressure within
a given amount of volume and elasticity...

a family grows

divides

expands

becomes stronger in numbers

shares common DNA

multiplies

bonds

goes on

and on

and on...

creating a legacy

whether you "feel" part of the
family circle or not

you are

through memories


science is a wonderful thing

that make a family

oh this road that led me here
brings memories of good and some of tears
looking back over all these years
how much time i did waste on fear

he's eighteen now and with ropes on his shoulders
cap on top and a gown he couldn't wear bolder
going out into the world with the innocence of a soldier
oh he makes me proud and makes me feel older

i wasn't given the title of a woman with children
not naturally no, my grace was to be barren
so i borrowed and begged and stole over and again
the right to say "son" even if it's not true and never has been

in my world, i have a legacy
two older girls and a boy makes three
they'll never carry my name, never carry my gene
but they'll carry my love and all the memories...

that make a family

saying grace

when i say grace
i say it with love
thanking the one
the one up above

for when i had grace
i had a true friend
who loved unconditionally
all the way to the end

when i met grace
i thought she a he
til i read her name tag
on the cage it read "Lily"

when i held grace
the very first time
she purred uncontrollably
then on my head she climbed

when i took home grace
her name i did change
she witnessed my worse
of the bottle i claimed

when i needed grace
always she came
through sickness and tears
she purred through my shame

when i left grace
two months til i returned
she greeted me just a runnin
her love reaffirmed

when i slept with grace
she burrowed in my arm
all night she motored
and snored until dawn

when i said good-bye grace
i'll take away your pain
i did it with love
cuz i know she'd want it that way

now when i say grace
a response i do not hear
just an empty feeling
but i know she is near

grace

grace

grace

thank you

Amen

Ex'es

an "Ex"
someone you used to share your life with
someone you once had a partnership with
a contract
written, verbal, assumed

a piece of you no longer attached
no longer owned by you
is no longer yours
was never yours in the first place
just borrowed
floating out their somewhere
sometimes you can see it
sometimes you just feel it

then that piece finds a new home
a new someone to attach too
she is happy with her new home
she is in love
a wrong has been righted
he makes her different
peaceful, kind, forgiving

different

different than we ever were
or were ever going to be

enough time has passed
i am happy to let that piece of me go
no hole, no scars, no emptiness
just happy

"X"ing out the Ex

tammy's plight

she writes one of my favorite blogs of which i follow
if you know me
really know me
then you know who i'm talking about

she is famous and is, was, married to a another famous person
i guess they still are...for now

anyway, she doesn't write much lately
or she writes and then takes it away
i wonder if its because of legal reasons
no matter
i'm missing her writing

she inspires me
she inspires me to push through this difficult time i'm having
she inspires me to pursue my dreams

i knew her before she was the famous singers wife
when she stood on her own as an actress
i appreciate her even more as a writer, a fellow blogger
i hope she does more

i miss her stories of the "kidlets" and her
daily mundane tasks
her quirky humor and her tell-it-like-it-is style
i miss her swearing...cuz i like to swear...i do

i wish her well, and strength, and support
she'll bounce back, she will
i know this
by reading what she writes

a battle not lost

each day is the same
yet brings me closer to a goal
the sunshine helps
brings warmth to my soul

don't worry 'bout all that stuff
pa does say
something will work out
that's what we call faith

ma conceals her worry
under bated breath she pines
as i and my sibs
fight wire, tape and mines

though hands clasp ours
words blanket our tears
outsiders look over us
but can't stop the fear

i don't know what's worse
being the one in the turmoil
or the one that can only
offer words to console

for the pain is as great
for both sides of the fence
everyone loses something...

non of this makes sense

so try as i may
to continue my plight
i may have lost the war
but i shall not lose the fight

at least not today

can't we all just play nice in the sand box

why is there so much concern about who
believes what?

is it self preservation?
self esteem?
self worthiness?
or just
self-isssssh

stand alone people get lost in
the numbers

sometimes, though, they get heard
and put in the category of ignorant liberals

just be nice
just be kind
let every one speak
without worry that they might
get bashed...verbally and sometimes physically

it seems against human nature to be able
to play in the sand box nice
there's always got to be a little sand thrown...
it's just too damn tempting

swish swish swish

it's not so bad
cleaning toilets that is
cleaning toilets that are not my own
cleaning toilets at a manufacturing plant
nine in total

due to the economy, this company couldn't afford
their cleaning service anymore so...
because they know me...they ask
if would be interested in doing
so

hmmm, this response was easy

yes!

the great mitten state is cutting
me off from their generous bi-weekly donations

yes!

i need the small pittance of pay so
i can keep my worldly possessions

car, insurance, cell phone

yes!

men are such pigs!
oh...my...higer power and supreme being, ruler of the universe...God!
it was all i could do to keep from hurling my day's food intake
as well as the day before's!

i will spare you the details

there once was a girl from Lapeer
who strived to impress her peers
worked her ass off and climbed that ladder
reached the top and was made an engineer

one day the bubble popped
life as i knew it stopped
i was forced to climb down that ladder
only slipped and to the ground i dropped

a couple years later i continue to wait for princess charming
the job market, to say the least, is oh so alarming
so i do what i can with a can do attitude
and swish those toilets with pride...

...and gloves, face mask, safety glasses and lighting speed!

(okay, so the last line doesn't rhyme. who gives a fuck)

swish swish swish

and then there was light

i don't know where the shift came from
i just know it came

relief

i hear it in my voice
in my words

coulda been the meetings
maybe getting outside these walls
and outside myself

coulda been the warmth of the sun
permeating my skin and through to
my heart, melting the ice cold
sadness that formed into a
giant glacier

coulda been the opportunity to
put in a hard days labor
washing, cleaning, scrubbing, sweeping
all to earn some desperately needed
pride and a few greens

calm

i knew the darkness had swept in swiftly
and unforgiving but somehow I managed to remain
conscious of it...and its potential

God

but then the light showed up
the heaviness was lifted
the potential shifted
i shifted, the universe shifted
i WAS shifted

i knew it was coming
i just didn't know when
i stopped waiting
and there it was
here it IS

peace

recession

i did a research paper on
the 2008 burst of the housing bubble

pop! pop!

i didn't even know what the fuck
that meant "housing bubble"
how ignorant i am...no...was

i took my education for granted
took those opportunities and
disregarded them

it wasn't my fault, you know,

the disappearance of my job
the disappearance of my 401
the disappearance of my good credit
the disappearance of my home
the disappearance of me

i feel "me" changing
everything i thought i was supposed
to work for was wrong

it is my fault
i wasn't paying attention

the ache in my stomach
reminds me that i haven't
let go of the wheel

got a death grip on the ores
as i struggle to fight the
current of the river...
what i want is upstream
so it feels like

what, i can't be bitter?
i can't be pee oh-ed that
things aren't goin my way?

that i played the game hard
and with diligence and still...

lost

no, this isn't pitty
not anymore
this is bitter

the bitter that stings
that eats away at the lining
that blocks my dreams
and monopolizes my thoughts

i spend way too much time
in my thoughts, in my head

the bitter is causing the ache

it is my fault

what a lesson
bring it on...recession

returning

i'm back
i missed my blog

thank you to my fellow blogsters for distracting me from following my own life to following theirs

blogging is like reality TV, minus the cast
just the script. nothing but the script (and probably a lot more true!)

but, I miss writing in my blog
so, I'm back.