a clan of eight in total, all ranging from the ages of two to seventeen at the time
we were gathered in the kitchen. some of us standing, others sitting around the oval, white topped hand crafted table our father had made to suit our needs at feast gatherings. the littlest one, crawling around on the floor
"ok, ready? go!" she instructed.
just seconds later, someone giggled
which started a chain reaction of giggles,
then outbursts of chatter, and then someone saying, "now what game are we gonna play?"
she really didn't think this was gonna work did she?
a ploy to calm the chaos and noise of her unruly brothers and sisters while she was in charge of us for the night, the folks out getting their much needed break from the repercussions of having so many damn kids
she just laughed right along with us and we continued creating a ruckus amongst her
nothing unusual
she never let us know how distressed she really was. it's just not her
from the moment i entered her life i was hers
without question and without void of responsibility
she didn't have to love me
but she HAD to love me
the photo on my profile is of she and i
a newborn placed in five year old arms
just look and you can see
she held me while holding back her own fears
sheltering me from the chaos that existed
and that which would ensue
the early years consisted of both laughter and tears
she would go out of her way to make the holidays special by being creative
we'd make tinfoil chains and popcorn garland together to hang on the tree
during cold nights she made sure me and my younger sister was covered and warm
and if we couldn't sleep she would place her feet on the icy steel framed foot board and push creating a gigantic cradle, rocking us and singing until we well asleep
she was the oldest and with that came the falloff of young parents going through their own trials and tribulations
she was our second mom
nurturing and loving in every way
but better than a mom because she only had us
to concentrate on, so it seemed
my sister eventually left us for reasons of natural rights of passage that come with graduating from high school and turning eighteen
and other reasons that were incited by an overbearing, accusatory and belligerent father who never showed anything other than his disapproval of our existence
she moved on to marry
she moved on to erase the pain and worry over what we had all gone through and what those left behind would still have to experience in this dysfunctional family
but she never moved on from us,
from me
she had her own children eventually and raised them how she would have wanted to be raised
how she raised her sibling children
to this day she is the still the quite one in the background
watching, checking in, providing caring words of support
in a voice so soft, so sweet and so without judgment
and so unlike what she was taught
just the other day we were talking about my employer and their uncaring tactics of getting something for nothing
she said, "they just don't know how much you are worth!"
well, they might not know, but i do
she reminds me everyday
just look at the photo
