mastering a masters degree...a family affair

as i think about how i'm gonna manage my life from this point on, given the circumstances i'm in (no job, no job prospects, money running out soon, home foreclosure process), my thoughts keep returning to my latest endeavor, school. back in college. back to student loans (spending money i don't have. thx unc sam). back to work on that bachelors degree i started more than 25 years ago. and as i think about it, i remember that i've got a party to go to tomorrow night. a party to celebrate the accomplishments of one of my younger brothers. brother number 4. number 4 of 5 brothers. 5 good brothers. good men

no. 4 recently received his master's degree in something about building bridges and roads. you know, the stuff little boys practice building, okay, and even little girls, using lincoln logs, tinker toys and erector sets. my thoughts continue as i briefly track his life in a whimsical sort of way

no. 4 went from the military, to marriage, to MSU, where he received a bachelors degree, to children (no. 4 had 4) and then back to college at lawrence tech. a 26 year snap shot in time. when no. 4 put his mind to something, there was no turning back. old man time could wave his long and short hands all he wanted

tick...tock...

tick...tock

no. 4 didn't care. he wants to be able to build bridges

but getting a masters degree is no easy feat. hell, getting a bachelors isn't either. but how did he accomplish a masters with a wife, 4 miniature no. 4's, a huge house, payments, cats and dogs and, oh yeah, a job!?

how'd he do it? its got to be a family affair in order to make that happen. it just has to. cuz, after this great achievement, no. 4 still has his wife, the 4 miniatures, the house, the payments, cats and dogs and, oh yeah, a job! they all stuck it out with him

its got to be a family affair. to have him gone so many hours of the day at work, so many hours of the night at school, and so many hours spent doing homework somewhere in between

its got to be a family affair. to hear of everything that occurred during the day at the end of the day. the wife report. probably readers digest style. i mean, how could he have time to hear the events, in which they actual unfolded, in novel format? and novels do happen every day when there are miniatures around!

its got to be a family affair. when daddy is gone so much, mommy plays two roles and the miniatures wait for just a glimpse of daddy, sometimes forgetting to look because they're busy growing up

its got to be a family affair. giving inspiration, support, "go get 'em" attitudes. to forgive. to get through the missing, the wanting, the hurts, the sadness, and the loneliness

yep. that's my answer, my conclusion. this diploma belongs to the entire family. that's how he did it. that's how "they" did it

so, BIG hats off to the wife for standing by your man. for giving he and your family so much dedication, love and graciousness (and who gives a shit if the laundry gets done or not)

and hats off to the miniatures for loving their daddy regardless of his absence. who will, hopefully, be inspired by his accomplishment. and for loving their mommy and will, hopefully, inspire to be just like her when they become a parent

and hats off to the cats and dogs, both present and past, for giving the family affair their undivided attention when called upon (and even when not called upon). for allowing their soft furry selves and cold wet noses to be a point of comfort. for distracting the family affair when the long hours seemed too much to bare by demanding some food, water, play or a clean shitter box

and finally, hats off to no. 4, the grad. the master grad. for giving up so much to achieve his goal, his dream, his purpose. build that bridge, baby, and keep the one you already built with your family strong and unwavering forever

you inspire me, truly

two families clash

i've realized since coming home to an already occupied house that i didn't really know the occupants at all. at least, not my daughter as a grown woman and her life as a mom and wife. we had all agreed to move them from their apartment to my house while i was living in the longhorn state. they, she, were miserable in that cramped apartment and the prospect of playing house in my much bigger ranch was the perfect solution. they had more room, cheaper rent, a yard, a garage. i had someone to keep the house up, the lawn groomed and my three feline loves fed and watered. yes, the perfect solution while i was in search of work...so we thought. the result of my early return home would prove otherwise.

the open space that i once occupied pre children and grand children was now dominated by beings of energy trying to rule, including myself. nothing was familiar. the furniture. the pictures. everything that resembled what i had achieved in the last three decades was missing; packed away in dozens of totes in the basement. this was the agreement though, pre texas

agreements made with the idea that i'd be out of state for more than two months

agreements made with the idea that i'd find a job

agreements made prior to the loneliness that set in while away from my family

agreements made prior to the depression and desperation dissipating

agreements...contracts....promises, all on the line now. two families merging under circumstances neither one wanted. territorial struggles; ownership issues; manhood issues; control issues; control...rights...commands

i've realized since i've been home that i didn't really know the occupant within me. i thought i could tolerate anything when it came to my children. i can't. especially disrespect and ungratefulness. i know when we have our own homes again, i will see them in a different light. right now, its just too dark to see anything

this too shall pass