a 24 hour reprieve

word from a friend today stating another friend passed. Gerry. i worked with G. he worked for me and was one of my best designers. he sent me a lovely email just after i was let go from my job telling me how wonderful i was to work for. he told me to keep my spirits up and my head held high. stay positive, he said. he got let go just after i did from the same company...about six months ago. i didn't know he was troubled. how could i? i learned he struggled in and out of rehab. and he couldn't find a job.

marriage issues
booze issues
life issues

so, G downed a couple of fifths last monday, called his wife at her work (she didn't answer), bit down on a barrel and left his end on voice mail. i hope he has peace now. i'm sure he does. my mourning is for his family.

i immediately called my mom after reading the news. she said she was worried about me being alone in Austin and that she didn't sleep well last night. (mom has a special worry spot in her heart for me. her alcoholic daughter. sick daughter. mom has experience. like husband like daughter. mom knows the ropes. she knows the lies. the cover ups. the deceitfulness. the obsession. she knows what this disease is capable of. after almost six years, she still worries. i get that). i told her of G and straight away reassured her that no job, no marriage, no nothing would make me do that...for this 24 hours, at least. you see, in AA that's how we live our lives. we get a 24 hour reprieve from drinking if we choose. that's all. one day at a time. i have tools if i get into thinking trouble. that's what i have today, a "thinking problem", not a drinking problem. the drinking problem comes if i don't do what i need to do to stay sober each 24 hour period that we are blessed to take part in. i found meetings in Laredo and i've attended one in Austin. more to attend tomorrow.

one day at a time
go to meetings
it works if you work it
don't quit before the miracle happens
play the tape through
you're as sick as your secrets
let go and let God
pray

pray

pray

God, grant me the SERENITY

to ACCEPT the things i cannot change

the COURAGE to change the things i can

and the WISDOM to know the difference

............................just for today,

peace out G

hard tears for hard times

as if last Sunday wasn't enough;

"good-bye"

no..."so long"

no..."until i see you again"

no...bullshit!

NOTHING worse than seeing your children cry

today, my lil sissy went home, back to the mitten state

more bullshit!

time, give it time

find courage. show courage. never thought i'd need courage to stay away from my children and my sissy's and my best friends, and...but, here i am.

god bless my bro & sislaw, they are tryin so hard to make things good for me. am i that deserving? why not? they miss family too. i get that. i sound ungrateful. i'm not. i just miss what's been familiar for sooooo many years. time, give it time

hard tears need to go away

hard times need to go away

what country is this?

the fan overhead goes swoosh, swoosh, swoosh; swoosh, swoosh, swoosh; swoosh, swoosh, swoosh; the fan overhead goes...I'm thinking of Emma and her favorite Baby Genius nursery rhyme (from Comcast ON DEMAND), "wheels on the bus"

Emma had another nightmare. she lives in a world within her mind which is far more advanced than her lil 2 year old body AND the big people world around her. as if I could do anything to help her make her sleepy time better; calmer. as of this past weekend, Emmy lives in gramma deedles home and sleeps in uncle Nate's "old" room. that can't help

i no longer live in gramma deedles home or even in the great mitten state. i reside in another country, some 1700 plus miles away, where wild pigs, deer and coyote roam and graze about 100 feet beyond the backyard patio (thankful for fencing right now)

texas. it really should be its own country. its big enough

different people

different language

different on and off ramps from busy highways (immediate right angled exits!)

different grass (feels like plastic)

just...different

it's not the mitten state. that's it. i do like the palm trees. i like being with my bro and sis-in-law. i like their home

i like my home

two days seems like forever when i measure them against how much i miss everyone back home. i'll get used to this country. every one's happy for me. it's just a vacation, right?. swoosh, swoosh, swoosh.

what a day

packing; phone calls; laundry; 4am I shut my eyes. 7:30am phone call; grand baby girl sick, daughter needs help. bro has dreams of marketing our dream in Japan. grand baby can't keep anything down. daughter's toilet won't flush; bathroom needs cleaned. grand baby boy is smily. home; laundry from daughters soiled bedding from grand baby; nap time. awake. son is swearing in a text because he can't wake me from nap. grand baby girl going to emergency; son reluctantly goes to sit with grand baby boy until daddy comes home; other gramma sick but leaves her work to go with daughter to ER; I missed all this because I was napping. no plane tickets yet for sissy; I can help; some people still have jobs and are very busy; I can help; no problem. packing. cleaning. grand baby girl home; feeling better; phew. piston buddy arrives. son home from friends; straight to his room; don't see him much; 17. son hungry; no food; taco bell; they forget his nachos; I'm in dog house; nothing going right for him this week; his words; hormones; sadness; girls; resided to his room. pistons lost...again. daughters laundry is done. son says good night. piston buddy goes home. a mountain of garbage from unpacking home goes to curb. feed the cats. blog.