autumn leaves and a tangled chord

so i come home from work the other evening and decided after
much procrastination...well, really not procrastinating.  more like
standing around staring at the adjacent rooms surrounding me...
that i would vacuum the carpet.  there were autumn leaves scattered
everywhere

how do they get in here?
do i really come in and out of the house that much?
do i leave the door open that long to allow the blustery
winds of fall to escort them in via flight?
maybe they stick to my footwear (or socks) but
wouldn't you think that i would notice them crunchy
beneath my feet or just feel them as simply foreign objects?

however they get from the trees to my living floor
makes no difference.  the fact is that they don't belong in
the house.  and they've been there for too many days already.
dry, brown, dead foliage, sometimes mistaken for scary little varmints
out of the corner of my eye

so, i pull out the vacuum.  the Dyson. the super sucker.
the one with a wind tunnel container, hydraulic hoses and a 3.6 liter
engine that requires a large amount of electricity to run.
ok. i know that makes no sense, the engine part, but that's what
it sounds like when i flip the switch and start that 20 pound
yellow brick of a tool. and its not the one with the wheel so
that bitch is heavy to push!

i'm vacuuming.  the cats scatter from fright but not
before leaving behind toffs of hair during their escape,
now added to the pile of leaves

im vacuuming over the leaves, breaking them into teeny tiny
pieces as i run them over because they are too big whole to fit
under the nose of the yellow (over rated) tool.
then im down on my knees shoving them up the sucker nose,
lifting the front sometimes because the tool is just pushing them
around in front of it, even the teeny tiny pieces

up and down
back and forth i push

sweating

i get to the other side of the living room and i feel a tug

damn it. the chord is tangled. this is a problem which has, for some
unknown reason, irritated me

i freeze in thought.  motor still revving. just a few more square feet
of the carpet left to finish.  i don't want to walk back the twenty-feet
and untangle the mess of chord

maybe if i just tug a little more...flip the chord up a little like
swinging a jump rope.  gently.  easy.  i work on this for 5 minutes...

snap! the chord ejects from the outlet on the wall,
hits the kitchen chair,
ricochets across the table top,
knocks over a glass of water
and then strikes the plant on the  stand next to the chair
spilling most of its contents onto the hard wood floor.
the engine whines down slowly and comes to a complete stop

twenty feet

i hate those leaves

the photo

"let's play who can be the quietest for the longest time", she said with exuberance beaming across her face.  those words along with that big smile and those vibrant blue eyes created a frenzy of excitement amongst us siblings

a clan of eight in total, all ranging from the ages of two to seventeen at the time

we were gathered in the kitchen.  some of us standing, others sitting around the oval, white topped hand crafted table our father had made to suit our needs at feast gatherings.  the littlest one, crawling around on the floor

"ok, ready?  go!" she instructed.
just seconds later, someone giggled
which started a chain reaction of giggles,
then outbursts of chatter, and then someone saying, "now what game are we gonna play?"

she really didn't think this was gonna work did she?
a ploy to calm the chaos and noise of her unruly brothers and sisters while she was in charge of us for the night, the folks out getting their much needed break from the repercussions of having so many damn kids

she just laughed right along with us and we continued creating a ruckus amongst her 

nothing unusual 

she never let us know how distressed she really was. it's just not her

from the moment i entered her life i was hers
without question and without void of responsibility
she didn't have to love me
but she HAD to love me

the photo on my profile is of she and i
a newborn placed in five year old arms
just look and you can see
she held me while holding back her own fears
sheltering me from the chaos that existed
and that which would ensue

the early years consisted of both laughter and tears
she would go out of her way to make the holidays special by being creative
we'd make tinfoil chains and popcorn garland together to hang on the tree

during cold nights she made sure me and my younger sister was covered and warm
and if we couldn't sleep she would place her feet on the icy steel framed foot board and push creating a gigantic cradle, rocking us and singing until we well asleep

she was the oldest and with that came the falloff of young parents going through their own trials and tribulations

she was our second mom
nurturing and loving in every way
but better than a mom because she only had us
to concentrate on, so it seemed

my sister eventually left us for reasons of natural rights of passage that come with graduating from high school and turning eighteen
and other reasons that were incited by an overbearing, accusatory and belligerent father who never showed anything other than his disapproval of our existence

she moved on to marry
she moved on to erase the pain and worry over what we had all gone through and what those left behind would still have to experience in this dysfunctional family

but she never moved on from us,
from me

she had her own children eventually and raised them how she would have wanted to be raised 
how she raised her sibling children

to this day she is the still the quite one in the background
watching, checking in, providing caring words of support
in a voice so soft, so sweet and so without judgment

and so unlike what she was taught

just the other day we were talking about my employer and their uncaring tactics of getting something for nothing
she said, "they just don't know how much you are worth!"

well, they might not know, but i do
she reminds me everyday

just look at the photo

the weakness in me

sometimes, i think (analyze) about why im

feeling a particular way

i proclaim this to be normal

so, i decided for this post i would write about

my weaknesses

im not talkin about weaknesses like the inability to refuse

two or three...okay, maybe more, pieces of my sisters homemade

cinnamon rolls. with all that brown sugar crystallized between each layer, filling 

an entire house with its "im over here" aroma; topped off with rich vanilla

icing which drips down the sides of each soft, gooey, luscious roll, spilling over 

and down between each finger as i shove them into my mouth like i've never eaten before...ever

or not being able to lift a 30 pound pail of cat litter and carry it

two flights to the basement and then walk back up the what feels like

four flights now

im not referring to my addiction to alcohol that has been in remission

for years though never leaves my thoughts for too long due to constant

reminders by people, places and things

and im certainly not thinking about my inability to say no when it comes

to someone needing help, needing something that would make them feel better

little things mostly, but some big...like time

or when a kitty needs a home and im already at cat lady status...

but i take them anyway

the weakness in me, is the weakness in you

you that gets the raw deal

you that can't catch a break

or maybe is having a string of bad luck

you that gets picked on, belittled 

you that is judged without having committed a crime

not a crime of law, at least

you that gets treated by your "better half" like you are the

sole reason for their unhappiness...and you stay anyway

you that can't see how special you are, how unique you are

and how you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect

because that's how you treat others

you that doesn't quite fit the bill according to the majority

or according to your own perceptions based on lies

you that takes to heart negative comments by someone

incapable of taking responsibility for their own actions or

without regard for anyone else's feelings but their own

you, that won't give up regardless of any of these things

i soak it up

breath it in and wrap my arms around it

try to find ways to ease your pain, your burden

make you feel worthy or just give you a small break from

the madness

sometimes i don't even know you at all

never met you

but i hurt anyway

sucks the energy right out of me

i listen, i feel, i retreat deeper within myself

i concluded that the weakness in me is the weakness in you

and that the weakness in you is

me