lessons from a pseudo ritirement

something happened while i was "retired" for

two years

i got a chance to learn how to live with less

and realized how much more i had than i ever

thought

time is precious

money is not

you just need enough of both to get by

at least into the next day

i finally figured out what "one day at a time" means

i learned that there are a lot better shows on tv

during the wee hours of the night than are on before

9:30pm

i appreciate my employer so much more

than i ever did before

i owe them, they don't owe me

i waded through hours in a 24 hour period

wondering what to do with myself

and now know that i didnt have to do anything

but just be

i wasted a lot of time on worry

fret

depression

fear

ill never get that time back
no do-overs

but i learned i never want to put myself

through the waste again

i gained wisdom, patience, and humility

all necessary ingredients for growth

i mended relationships and ended others

accepting which were worthy of sustaining

and which were just never going to be sustainable

i learned some bad habits and some good

and i learned that time marches on regardless of

our situation or others'

i look in the mirror and see the wear on my face

i get up in the morning and feel the wear on my body

and can accept that both have aged

but like finely cared for grapes, in time they can

make some pretty damn good wine

i learned that no matter how good you are

some will always choose to just see your bad

no matter how much you give

some will always just take

no matter how strong we are

some will always remind us of our weaknesses

i learned that i am much loved, very loved in fact

but i cannot be loved by all

but it's my love that i have for those who are a

part of my immediate connection, life line, thread of hope

that makes me who i am and who i want to always be...

all that is possible, all that is good, all that is to be learned

mistakes, defects and the whole package...

i am

just me

wind rain and the thoughts they bring

sometimes when the wind blows like it has the last few days i sit outside at night and allow it to wash over my face, instantly disturbing any thoughts trying to form into some element of reality. the strength of the intermittent gusts forces my eyes to close

i forget that my arms are a little cool and my feet should have shoes on them

i just sit there, imagining mother earth is speaking to me, so soothing

the sounds of streaming howls, leaves bustling across the porch and fragile branches cracking only to end up on the ground with a final snap as they land

no crickets, or tree frogs or any of the other critters that make up the nature choir that normally sings on a hot, humid night...all night

just the wind.  and me. and no thoughts. peace

but for some reason my mind doesn't allow me to be at that resting state for too long before the "what ifs"start winning over

what if the wind blows a tree down upon the house

what if the wind knocks out the power, cuz then i have to worry about not having an alarm clock to wake me for work.  i hate being late for work

or...

i have to worry that the damn sump pump in the basement not being able to do its job without power.

where is the shop vac?  does it still work?  how many buckets of water will i have to bail out to keep all that is stored from getting soaked.  ruined.  moldy.

stuff in the basement that doesn't need to be there anymore. in my opinion

maybe a tornado will form

nah

i wish it would rain

sometimes i sit outside when it rains, half sheltered and half exposed to the wetness that the wind picks up and washes across my face, instantly disturbing any thoughts that were trying to form into some element of reality. the strength of the intermittent spraying forces my eyes to close...