time

and so you move on
when someone or something you love, like, want, need
is taken away, for whatever reason
you go through the grieving process

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance

at acceptance, the process is complete but not necessarily over
but the healing can begin
the black cloud weighted with its uncertainty and fear
is replaced by the light of reality

and, therefore, choices must be made

the choice of how you will move on
the choice of what fashion or manner you conduct yourself
the choice of whether to ask for help or go it alone

acceptance of an unwanted circumstance does not always
mean that you are happy with it
you just don't fight it anymore
the sadness that lingers, or the frustrations and heartache
that accompany the situation may still exist

but, we have the choice to deal with it with dignity

i can only hope, through these trials and tribulations
of the past two years, that i handled myself with dignity

denial: this shit can't happen to me
anger: this shit is happening to me and everyone else is to blame for it!
bargaining: please, i can't take this shit anymore, i promise i'll be a better person
depression: i'm knee deep in shit and i can't see past it anymore
acceptance: shit happens, move on

well, its time to move on
time to say goodbye to the home i've known for so long
that i put my sweat, tears and life's savings into

time to pack up my belongings and my memories
my dreams, my comfort, my one thing that said,
"hey, you did good.  you were successful."

two years later.

i denied the inevitable, isolated my fears
i cursed the world and all its evil doers with as much anger as i could muster
i bargained like a hostage trying to save their own life
i allowed the blackness to envelope me, shielding my true potential
and, finally, i accepted that a new journey must begin; correction, HAD begun

now, it's up to me to choose how i will handle it
i choose dignity, humility, tears, courage, love and humbleness
i choose to believe that i am truly a blessed individual
i choose to believe that my earthly possessions does not determine success
i choose to allow life to happen as it may
and if that means i have to grieve to get through from time to time

so be it

no matter how hard we try to avoid grief
how hard we try to rush through the process,
to rid ourselves of emotional pain
reach the other side where the grass is really just as green

there is truly only one healer...

time

children should be seen and not heard

everything was going great at the 4th party
everyone swimming, enjoying good eats and good company
mother sitting with father under the umbrella and
i thought i would join them for a visit

family together

parents and their child

the conversation started out ok
then on to losing my house, no job
he offered words of good wisdom and support
okay, i can handle this

cigarettes, he quit, i can't, i'm trying
i'm not doing it right
be stronger

then, he brought up the catholic church
and how supreme it is
and how hell is so horrible and what its like there
and if we only knew we'd all straighten out our lives

a clear suggestion to me, obvious by his facial expressions
that i should be living differently, better, more catholic like

should have seen it coming but not always is he like this
or...should i say...not always am I like this
(cuz, YES, he is always like this!)

for everything i said, he had something negative to report back

pompous (both of us)

>mother got up and silently left

i watched her leave, trying to get her to lock eyes with me

mom...stay...don't do this to me (like i was 12 years old again)

like she did so many times in the past
left me there with him
forced to sit at the table as he downed his 50th beer
while he judged, and damned and cursed every human being on the planet that wasn't of his ethnic background, including his wife and children
left me and all the others to save her own sanity

it was how she coped<


father and daughter engaged in debate
not a pretty sight
i will always lose
its been proven throughout history


here we go...the lecture, flash back in time:


catholics are the supreme church
if you are not baptized you are going to hell
if you are gay you are going to hell
if you have children out of wed lock you are going to hell
if you divorce you are going to hell
being a good person isn't good enough for God
says he's probably going to hell too (gonna take me with him)
God will damn his own children...
on and on and on...


the rebuttal:

how, THEN, do i be good enough for Him, i inquired
not really a question...a stab...a defense mechanism...no thought....just emotion
i didn't want an answer...i wanted out!

read the bible!!! he replied

"no...YOU tell me
since you know so much about the bible

i have read it
i don't believe anything you just said and i don't believe everything in the bible"

ohhh, that's when this already failing and ugly conversation crossed over to
full out battle

its when his face turned bright red under that
dark copper tan
his eyes narrowed and blackened, glazing over
i could see the sun reflecting off them

who the Hell is teaching you these things?!?!?

then the grunting began, he leaned forward, lips pierced, contemplating his next fireball flame to eject from his tormented soul...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned/Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." - William Congreve
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

that's when i knew it was time to just walk away
but, i didn't
my own anger got the best of me
i knew better
don't engage, don't engage

ENOUGH!!!!


i broke
and quietly i spoke
under my skin i allowed him to crawl
forcing the tears underground so he wont see me bawl
couldn't shush my big trap this time around
no longer a clear head could be found


my defense:

NOT my God
NOT my God
NOT my God
would do such things
would you do such things, strip your children of their wings?
My God loves unconditionally
your soul set free when you return to thee
everyone is equal and all is forgiven
we make our own hell and we make our own prison
don't poison me with your rant
conformance to your beliefs, no, no, i can't


i didn't give him another chance to say anything

i said lets just agree to disagree
i can't take anymore of this conversation


i finally freed myself and left
moments later, he left, leaving my mother to find a way home
typical


i know better
i know better



i allowed this to ruin the rest of my day


and now, in light of how i am
what i believe
to cleanse my soul
make right with God


i owe him an apology for my behavior
i should have said nothing
like i normally do


children should be seen and not heard
sorry, not me