cat litter, fur balls and unconditional love

dear grace, ben and gretta~

mama misses you. i can't wait to share that unconditional love with you. okay, i know we have "conditions". lets see if i can remember

i know you want to be fed, watered, let outside, throw

your coat where ever you want to in the house (fur), sleep where ever you want,
including on my head. i know you want to be able to walk on anything, including my head, and my computer, my stove, my table. i know you want to watch me pee and poo
(i need to fix the latches on those doors!). i know you want to have all the closets open

i know you want me to brush your hair,
pick burrs off your body and make you feel better when you are ill. and when you leave piles of yucky from your belly on the floor, you want me to hear that you did (that sound is awful!). i know when you leave me the results of your hunting expeditions on the deck or in the garage that this is a gift. i know you want a clean poo box (or else)

and most important, i know you don't want me to ever yell at you, harm you or leave you

all these things i promise to provide you to the best of my ability

how'd i do?

mama's comin home

my ego speaks loud and clear

"a genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking

in a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever"

-Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth (chapter three)

when i don't get what i want

when i do get what i want

when others don't behave like i want

when others have what i want

when i don't have enough

when i have too much

when the world is unfair, cruel, victimizing

ego speaks to me...i hear you

shut up!

an evening at the RV park

4:00 pm- talk on phone til 5:00 pm

5:00 pm- talk on phone until 6:00 pm

6:00 pm- return calls missed while talking on phone from 4:00 pm to 6:00 pm

7:12ish pm- eat something. anything. how many deli turkey w/mayo & dijon on corn tortillia shells can a person eat in one day? answer: six

7:13ish pm- talk on phone til...shit, i don't know, i lost track

8:22 pm?????- talk on phone. tell same story already told 3 times that day

10:33 pm or something. hell, i don't know what time it is now. i'm on the fuckin' phone!

10:35 pm, maybe? damn battery is dead! marathon phone conversations will do that...i've learned

10:40 pm. plug phone in on outside of camper so i can smoke...and talk...on the phone

10:50 pm. my ear is on fire and has been for the last 3 hours. the phone got so hot it melted and is now part of my head

11:20 pm. finally! off the phone. turn t.v. on

11:25 pm. play on computer instead of watch t.v. i can't hear a damn thing they're saying. i think the volume's broke

12:54 am. my ass is sore from sitting at the computer. turn on t.v. again. use sub-titles.

3:30 am to ??????. go to bed. good nite, Austin.

mother myself

i realize more every day, and some days more than others, that i really want to do something that i enjoy; writing. but can i really write? do i have anything worthy of saying? can i keep my readers interested? interested in what? i don't have any formal training so what makes me think i can do this? i haven't come up with an answer

the thing with my blog is that i don't have to worry about formality, structure, grammar, etc. i can blog spot in any fashion i want and punctuation is not a prerequisite. the only audience is me

express yourself

release your thoughts into the universe and see how they sound

just write

one of my bro-in-laws has his masters in english. when i was a young adult, i used to be afraid to write to my big sis for fear that her hubby, the literary guru, would get a hold of my letters and critique my every vowel, verb, adjective, and fragmented sentence. which is stupid thinkin cuz like why the hell would he? i was intimidated by his smarts. this was just insecurity and fear

naivete

fear of revealing my shortcomings. fear of being judged. fear that i'm not good enough, which i blame on my childhood. and, yes, every once in awhile i still go there and play my victim card. i have a full deck in my pocket just in case i need 'em

stupid fear

today, i don't really give a shit about what people think. okay, that's a lie. but, at least with a blog page it doesn't matter how i write or what i write about. its not a letter to anyone. its not a novel looking for a publisher. its just me. and i promised myself i would start writing. its just me. me and the universe.

shit, shit, shit. funny word and fun to say

will i write that novel someday? maybe. am i disciplined enough? maybe. can i take criticism from others or, more importantly, can i take criticism from myself? hmm

i was surfing the internet looking for inspiration and came across some words of experience from the author of eat pray love, elizabeth gilbert.

she said:

"As for discipline – it’s important, but sort of over-rated. The more important virtue for a writer, I believe, is self-forgiveness. Because your writing will always disappoint you. Your laziness will always disappoint you. You will make vows: “I’m going to write for an hour every day,” and then you won’t do it. You will think: “I suck, I’m such a failure. I’m washed-up.” Continuing to write after that heartache of disappointment doesn’t take only discipline, but also self-forgiveness (which comes from a place of kind and encouraging and motherly love). The other thing to realize is that all writers think they suck. When I was writing “Eat, Pray, Love”, I had just as a strong a mantra of THIS SUCKS ringing through my head as anyone does when they write anything. But I had a clarion moment of truth during the process of that book. One day, when I was agonizing over how utterly bad my writing felt, I realized: “That’s actually not my problem.” The point I realized was this – I never promised the universe that I would write brilliantly; I only promised the universe that I would write".

and so i shall write

and so i shall use capital letters

and so i shall use a subject and a predicate to make a real sentence...but not in my blog :)

and so i shall mother myself

a novel

she could hear his cries over the cell phone as she pressed it firmly to her ear. the fear in his voice, the electricity bolting through her body. the reality of the distance that separated them. the time it would take to get to him.

no time to think

no time to wait

keep him on the phone. run! "please, someone, call 911!, my son is..."

through pouring rain
and the strengthening winds
she ran
paying no attention to the darkness
that surrounded her
she ran
the pavement pounding against her
feet; her face plunging against the wetness
she ran
street light
darkness
street light
darkness
running

three more blocks
three more minutes
eternity
"stay in the closet, honey"
"mommy will be right there"
"don't say anything"

running
did Angie call the police?, she thought
it shouldn't take them long
why no sirens?
the cafe was only five blocks away from the apartment
it would only be a couple of hours
it was just a date
she hesitated on going
now she knows with full regret
she shouldn't have gone
running

"mommy!, mommy"
shh
"I'll be right there",
shh
running
pushing through passer byes
pushing through the rain
suddenly, she falls
a loud thud and she realizes
her head has met the pavement
street lights above
the phone detaches
darkness
darkn...

love at first sight

my favorite movie is "imagine me and you". i've watched it over and over and over again, and then over again...one more time. why? because i believe in love at first sight and this movie is all about that. plus, i have obsessive behavior

and i'm bored

and it takes my mind off things that i don't want to think about

plus the women are fantastically gorgeous!

its a lite love comedy. a lil serious overtone, but funny just the same. the supporting cast is terrific. you have to pay close attention to the dialogue cuz its a british film (sub-titles help) i feel sorry for Hec tho, the husband, but happy for Rach and Luce...anyway, the story is tastefully done in my opinion

i've experienced love at first sight once in my life thus far. i believe it can happen more than that. at least i hope so. i'll never forget the first time it happened to me. that moment. best feeling in the world. lots of people don't believe in it but i think it happens more than what we like to admit. its just, well, we don't get to act on it for whatever reason so we just deny it

some people confuse it with infatuation or lust. some people blame it on booze (okay, this one is valid). and there is nothing wrong with any of them. its just what we do or don't do with it that matters and determines whether we've actually looked into their soul or not

mirrored souls

love at first sight means that, well, at that first glance, that first look, you can't peel your eyes away from theirs, even though you know your staring, and you try to release your stare. and that first glance seems like an eternity yet it may only be 2 or 3 seconds

blissful eternity

after that, circumstances, personality, braveness, courage all come in to play as to whether or not you get to prove that it really was or is love

ahhh

yes, i love love at first sight

i want to be in love again

i want to see my reflection in hers, see my rights and my wrongs. feel my own energy merging with hers, enveloping our physical presence, embracing our thoughts and forming words before they are spoken. unspoken language that is understood immediately

i want to spoon, hug, kiss, touch

i want to laugh and cry and be heard

i want to be guided and guide

i want to be in love again

imagine me and you

good luck to me and you

poor planning or just bad intentions

funny thing, this economy crisis...NOT. puts the scare in a lot of us. especially those of us who are no longer considered in our "prime". how is it that while many folk my age are discussing retirement i'm discussing what i want to do when i grow up? poor planning or bad intentions?

what did i pray for?

what did i request from the universe?

you know, i really like texas, at least Austin

applications/rejections

waiting is nothing more than the time needed for God to
set up our next steps...new path...answer prayers

guess i'm coming home

plucking frogs

plucking frogs
noisy little webbed feet cutie slimy bulging eyes
noisy frogs
tree frogs?
i forgot to ask my sissy
proly tree frogs so they can stick
their sticky feet on the side of the nonstick pool

sissy can't sleep
noisy sticky feeted frogs are singing her a song
a harmony, a choir 100 or a thousand strong
(i don't really know. no one actually counted)

it's spring and time to open the pool
the frogs SOMEHOW know that the winter is over
they cling to the round aluminum sided giant pond that
the nice humans made for them
wasn't that nice of the humans?
the noisy sticky frogs think so

sissy can't sleep from all the singing
even though the sentiment is appreciated
sissy is irritated
they keep singing night after night

time to pluck the frogs off their pond
and put them in trees next door
yes, sissy plucks the frogs
and puts them, one by one, in trees
on her baby daughter property
this gives her time to open the pool
clean out all the delicious pond scum
put the chlorine in
kill remaining delicious pond scum

the sticky noisy frogs jump or climb from the trees
return to the human pond
smell the chlorine
taste the chlorine
find a new pond

sissy sleeps

three layers of deodorant

man, it's cold again
damn it, it's snowing again
what the hell!


comments from days in the mitten state
during winter months
not too long ago
cloaked in three layers of tops
darned in two layers of socks
one layer of deodorant

i hear things are blooming
quite beautifully in my home landscape
i ask on purpose of the news
needing updates on what critters are lurking
about
what birds have returned to their native
ice land, now transforming into a green wonderland
what soundtrack from mother nature is playing?

i imagine i am there
just close my eyes
sit under this fan that is swooshing above my head
out on the patio
out in the sweltering 100 plus temp

i hate the cold
despise the cold
prisoner of the cold
it's not cold here...or is it?
i forget i am the maker of my reality
easy to forget once you've lost your grip
stumbled down a path that i thought i wanted
thought i needed

green grass here but not for long
not with the blazin sun just waiting to dry up
every last drop that the golf has provided to date

green grass at home, but only for awhile, a short while
until the sun approaches the earth and lessons the warming
rays that reach the mitten coasts

everything relative
what you don't have you miss
what you do have we take for granted
what we want...not sure

three layers of deodorant so far today
it's hot
i'm going out to play

the fence

it's quiet here, only a few miles away from the rio grande river. it was quite here even prior to the school closings and people's fear to interact with the public and the 104 degree heat haze. hey, i just remembered. what about the wild pigs (abby's) in my bro's backyard? do pigs swim? do they go back and forth across the border? is the government, the CDC, CSpan and CNN tracking the abby's?

the boxer and the abby's go nose to nose between the only thing that seperates them...the fence

the abby's snort their thick phlegm on the boxer

the boxer has left his drooly spittle on me...

i should call CNN