achieving balance

i have this daunting feeling that i never give enough
so there are times when i just shut down
no return phone calls
no "how you doing" just because i'm thinking of you
i just shut down

no writing
no cards
no visiting
no thoughts

people's well being is my concern
over my own
and when i fail to make them well
i fail

it's a marter's nightmare

i can never do enough
like i can never have too many drinks
or too many chocolate bars
or too many cups of coffee
until i make myself sick

i attract those less fortunate
and bleed my soul on to them
steering a herd of sheep onto the right path
and they never asked me to do it in the first place

how self righteous is that?
yes, it's selfish

when no one really wants anything from me
anything but my friendship
my companionship
my love
MY well being

no, it's not my purpose

i must give
i will
once i'm rested again

it makes me who i am
but if i am to stay sane
worthy
functional
sober
i must find balance

my sheep need me
whether they know it or not
and i need them

but for now i'm safe in my lair
until the threat of my self is gone
a place where i recoup
i regroup
i regenerate

because as much as giving of myself takes away
drains my energy
and exhausts my spirit
giving is my purpose

and i shall give what i have
one person at a time
one soul at a time
one heart at a time

and when i accept that some just can't be helped
and that its none of my business

i will have achieved balance