though i love to blog
this blog has served its purpose
i shall take my creativity down a different path

actually, its prolly the same path...just different scenery
the scenery in my mind has been a bit gray lately

or,

maybe the kind of path that im on will change
like...it's a two-track instead of just foot worn

or,
maybe it's paved with cobble stone
or asphalt, whatever

anyway, an unstoppable force is coming my way
which means i've got to move

wish me luck

"good luck, me"

causes and effects

okay, well, the GM thing didn't work out
but...it was fun and exciting to get a phone call nonetheless

i keep waiting

i keep writing

i keep wondering what the fuck

i love that word

if i sit and do nothing than nothing is what i get

if i cause the universe to look at what i'm sending out
then effects is the feedback, the results

so i take a look at what results i am receiving
hmmm...i need to change my causes a tad bitty bit

all in all, today is a good day
the dark cloud is not hovering quite so low

i've decided to quit smoking
this brings joy and fear
but i'll not do it alone
our neighboring country in Windsor will help

i believe that smoking is part of my depression
so...i shall take action...

next week :)

in the meantime, i'll ride the wave of joy i have going for me today

happy happy joy joy

A Glimpse

i spoke out loud a thank you
i had a few brief moments of momentum toward
getting back into the swing of things

a phone call

yes, a phone call

lake orion

GM

engineering

I sent my resume

they called with a tip so i updated it

i signed a preliminary agreement (via email)

now i wait

a brief moment of excitement. yes!

sustaining?

now i wait

jump start

thank you, God

Jump Start

i'm trying my best to stay focused on the good, be grateful, things could be so much worse

there are days when i am really up and there are days when i am really down

i don't know what triggers either direction

life goes on around me and i choose to sometimes participate and sometimes not

most of the time i just want to hide and wait; see if i get that call; see if i'm wanted by someone

i hate this

i was on such a roll

if i make my own destiny then i must have really fucked up some where

get back on track

live in the day, not the future

somethings got to give

i need a jump start

some how, some day, please universe, look my way

mastering a masters degree...a family affair

as i think about how i'm gonna manage my life from this point on, given the circumstances i'm in (no job, no job prospects, money running out soon, home foreclosure process), my thoughts keep returning to my latest endeavor, school. back in college. back to student loans (spending money i don't have. thx unc sam). back to work on that bachelors degree i started more than 25 years ago. and as i think about it, i remember that i've got a party to go to tomorrow night. a party to celebrate the accomplishments of one of my younger brothers. brother number 4. number 4 of 5 brothers. 5 good brothers. good men

no. 4 recently received his master's degree in something about building bridges and roads. you know, the stuff little boys practice building, okay, and even little girls, using lincoln logs, tinker toys and erector sets. my thoughts continue as i briefly track his life in a whimsical sort of way

no. 4 went from the military, to marriage, to MSU, where he received a bachelors degree, to children (no. 4 had 4) and then back to college at lawrence tech. a 26 year snap shot in time. when no. 4 put his mind to something, there was no turning back. old man time could wave his long and short hands all he wanted

tick...tock...

tick...tock

no. 4 didn't care. he wants to be able to build bridges

but getting a masters degree is no easy feat. hell, getting a bachelors isn't either. but how did he accomplish a masters with a wife, 4 miniature no. 4's, a huge house, payments, cats and dogs and, oh yeah, a job!?

how'd he do it? its got to be a family affair in order to make that happen. it just has to. cuz, after this great achievement, no. 4 still has his wife, the 4 miniatures, the house, the payments, cats and dogs and, oh yeah, a job! they all stuck it out with him

its got to be a family affair. to have him gone so many hours of the day at work, so many hours of the night at school, and so many hours spent doing homework somewhere in between

its got to be a family affair. to hear of everything that occurred during the day at the end of the day. the wife report. probably readers digest style. i mean, how could he have time to hear the events, in which they actual unfolded, in novel format? and novels do happen every day when there are miniatures around!

its got to be a family affair. when daddy is gone so much, mommy plays two roles and the miniatures wait for just a glimpse of daddy, sometimes forgetting to look because they're busy growing up

its got to be a family affair. giving inspiration, support, "go get 'em" attitudes. to forgive. to get through the missing, the wanting, the hurts, the sadness, and the loneliness

yep. that's my answer, my conclusion. this diploma belongs to the entire family. that's how he did it. that's how "they" did it

so, BIG hats off to the wife for standing by your man. for giving he and your family so much dedication, love and graciousness (and who gives a shit if the laundry gets done or not)

and hats off to the miniatures for loving their daddy regardless of his absence. who will, hopefully, be inspired by his accomplishment. and for loving their mommy and will, hopefully, inspire to be just like her when they become a parent

and hats off to the cats and dogs, both present and past, for giving the family affair their undivided attention when called upon (and even when not called upon). for allowing their soft furry selves and cold wet noses to be a point of comfort. for distracting the family affair when the long hours seemed too much to bare by demanding some food, water, play or a clean shitter box

and finally, hats off to no. 4, the grad. the master grad. for giving up so much to achieve his goal, his dream, his purpose. build that bridge, baby, and keep the one you already built with your family strong and unwavering forever

you inspire me, truly

two families clash

i've realized since coming home to an already occupied house that i didn't really know the occupants at all. at least, not my daughter as a grown woman and her life as a mom and wife. we had all agreed to move them from their apartment to my house while i was living in the longhorn state. they, she, were miserable in that cramped apartment and the prospect of playing house in my much bigger ranch was the perfect solution. they had more room, cheaper rent, a yard, a garage. i had someone to keep the house up, the lawn groomed and my three feline loves fed and watered. yes, the perfect solution while i was in search of work...so we thought. the result of my early return home would prove otherwise.

the open space that i once occupied pre children and grand children was now dominated by beings of energy trying to rule, including myself. nothing was familiar. the furniture. the pictures. everything that resembled what i had achieved in the last three decades was missing; packed away in dozens of totes in the basement. this was the agreement though, pre texas

agreements made with the idea that i'd be out of state for more than two months

agreements made with the idea that i'd find a job

agreements made prior to the loneliness that set in while away from my family

agreements made prior to the depression and desperation dissipating

agreements...contracts....promises, all on the line now. two families merging under circumstances neither one wanted. territorial struggles; ownership issues; manhood issues; control issues; control...rights...commands

i've realized since i've been home that i didn't really know the occupant within me. i thought i could tolerate anything when it came to my children. i can't. especially disrespect and ungratefulness. i know when we have our own homes again, i will see them in a different light. right now, its just too dark to see anything

this too shall pass

two months

i pulled up to the house...finally
my ass screaming for relief from the cloth seat
it had become intimate with for the last 1700 miles

home

princess didn't notice i'd arrived and was now standing
in the middle of the driveway
she was busy negotiating gas from the neighbor
so she could finish mowing the lawn (prolly in frantic anticipation of my arrival)

home

my 2 year old grand babe, meme, didn't notice me either as
she shadowed her momma toward the garage
my eyes began to swell with joy at the sight of the lil one
then...a scream of surprise and excitement from princess, followed by a long hug
then...a smile soooo big from meme as she caught me in her sight, followed by a dash to fill
my arms with her long, slender, lovable self

home

little ones arms around my neck
she didn't want to let go
i didn't want her to let go

home

two months passed
two months on foreign longhorn land
two months of anticipation for a new career
two months of disappointment
two months of loneliness
two months of sporadic visits with the baby bro
two months of getting reacquainted with baby bro and his world
two months of sweltering heat
two months of trying to convince myself that this is where i need to be...

home

is where i need to be

but the economy, the mortgage company, and the government will decide if its where i'll stay

two months on the calendar looking backwards is a blink of an eye
two months on a calendar looking forward is eternity when you're not...

home

finding peace

leaving the longhorns and heading back to the mitten state. funny how i spent more than a month trying to adjust to a new environment, new place of residence, with no kids around, no cats around, no nothing around that i was used to...especially the weather, and then one day...one week prior to my sissie arriving to escort me home, i found peace.

where had it been all this time? was it back because i knew i was going home? was it back because i'd run out of people, places and things to blame for my circumstances? was it back because i finally surrendered?

questions, questions, questions........

answer:

it didn't come "back" at all, peace that is. it never left in the first place. it's always there. peace is a choice often neglected by the regrets of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow

neglected by our thoughts

neglected by our feelings

neglected by our own expectations

choices

be still and the choice is made for you. peace

cat litter, fur balls and unconditional love

dear grace, ben and gretta~

mama misses you. i can't wait to share that unconditional love with you. okay, i know we have "conditions". lets see if i can remember

i know you want to be fed, watered, let outside, throw

your coat where ever you want to in the house (fur), sleep where ever you want,
including on my head. i know you want to be able to walk on anything, including my head, and my computer, my stove, my table. i know you want to watch me pee and poo
(i need to fix the latches on those doors!). i know you want to have all the closets open

i know you want me to brush your hair,
pick burrs off your body and make you feel better when you are ill. and when you leave piles of yucky from your belly on the floor, you want me to hear that you did (that sound is awful!). i know when you leave me the results of your hunting expeditions on the deck or in the garage that this is a gift. i know you want a clean poo box (or else)

and most important, i know you don't want me to ever yell at you, harm you or leave you

all these things i promise to provide you to the best of my ability

how'd i do?

mama's comin home

my ego speaks loud and clear

"a genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking

in a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever"

-Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth (chapter three)

when i don't get what i want

when i do get what i want

when others don't behave like i want

when others have what i want

when i don't have enough

when i have too much

when the world is unfair, cruel, victimizing

ego speaks to me...i hear you

shut up!

an evening at the RV park

4:00 pm- talk on phone til 5:00 pm

5:00 pm- talk on phone until 6:00 pm

6:00 pm- return calls missed while talking on phone from 4:00 pm to 6:00 pm

7:12ish pm- eat something. anything. how many deli turkey w/mayo & dijon on corn tortillia shells can a person eat in one day? answer: six

7:13ish pm- talk on phone til...shit, i don't know, i lost track

8:22 pm?????- talk on phone. tell same story already told 3 times that day

10:33 pm or something. hell, i don't know what time it is now. i'm on the fuckin' phone!

10:35 pm, maybe? damn battery is dead! marathon phone conversations will do that...i've learned

10:40 pm. plug phone in on outside of camper so i can smoke...and talk...on the phone

10:50 pm. my ear is on fire and has been for the last 3 hours. the phone got so hot it melted and is now part of my head

11:20 pm. finally! off the phone. turn t.v. on

11:25 pm. play on computer instead of watch t.v. i can't hear a damn thing they're saying. i think the volume's broke

12:54 am. my ass is sore from sitting at the computer. turn on t.v. again. use sub-titles.

3:30 am to ??????. go to bed. good nite, Austin.

mother myself

i realize more every day, and some days more than others, that i really want to do something that i enjoy; writing. but can i really write? do i have anything worthy of saying? can i keep my readers interested? interested in what? i don't have any formal training so what makes me think i can do this? i haven't come up with an answer

the thing with my blog is that i don't have to worry about formality, structure, grammar, etc. i can blog spot in any fashion i want and punctuation is not a prerequisite. the only audience is me

express yourself

release your thoughts into the universe and see how they sound

just write

one of my bro-in-laws has his masters in english. when i was a young adult, i used to be afraid to write to my big sis for fear that her hubby, the literary guru, would get a hold of my letters and critique my every vowel, verb, adjective, and fragmented sentence. which is stupid thinkin cuz like why the hell would he? i was intimidated by his smarts. this was just insecurity and fear

naivete

fear of revealing my shortcomings. fear of being judged. fear that i'm not good enough, which i blame on my childhood. and, yes, every once in awhile i still go there and play my victim card. i have a full deck in my pocket just in case i need 'em

stupid fear

today, i don't really give a shit about what people think. okay, that's a lie. but, at least with a blog page it doesn't matter how i write or what i write about. its not a letter to anyone. its not a novel looking for a publisher. its just me. and i promised myself i would start writing. its just me. me and the universe.

shit, shit, shit. funny word and fun to say

will i write that novel someday? maybe. am i disciplined enough? maybe. can i take criticism from others or, more importantly, can i take criticism from myself? hmm

i was surfing the internet looking for inspiration and came across some words of experience from the author of eat pray love, elizabeth gilbert.

she said:

"As for discipline – it’s important, but sort of over-rated. The more important virtue for a writer, I believe, is self-forgiveness. Because your writing will always disappoint you. Your laziness will always disappoint you. You will make vows: “I’m going to write for an hour every day,” and then you won’t do it. You will think: “I suck, I’m such a failure. I’m washed-up.” Continuing to write after that heartache of disappointment doesn’t take only discipline, but also self-forgiveness (which comes from a place of kind and encouraging and motherly love). The other thing to realize is that all writers think they suck. When I was writing “Eat, Pray, Love”, I had just as a strong a mantra of THIS SUCKS ringing through my head as anyone does when they write anything. But I had a clarion moment of truth during the process of that book. One day, when I was agonizing over how utterly bad my writing felt, I realized: “That’s actually not my problem.” The point I realized was this – I never promised the universe that I would write brilliantly; I only promised the universe that I would write".

and so i shall write

and so i shall use capital letters

and so i shall use a subject and a predicate to make a real sentence...but not in my blog :)

and so i shall mother myself

a novel

she could hear his cries over the cell phone as she pressed it firmly to her ear. the fear in his voice, the electricity bolting through her body. the reality of the distance that separated them. the time it would take to get to him.

no time to think

no time to wait

keep him on the phone. run! "please, someone, call 911!, my son is..."

through pouring rain
and the strengthening winds
she ran
paying no attention to the darkness
that surrounded her
she ran
the pavement pounding against her
feet; her face plunging against the wetness
she ran
street light
darkness
street light
darkness
running

three more blocks
three more minutes
eternity
"stay in the closet, honey"
"mommy will be right there"
"don't say anything"

running
did Angie call the police?, she thought
it shouldn't take them long
why no sirens?
the cafe was only five blocks away from the apartment
it would only be a couple of hours
it was just a date
she hesitated on going
now she knows with full regret
she shouldn't have gone
running

"mommy!, mommy"
shh
"I'll be right there",
shh
running
pushing through passer byes
pushing through the rain
suddenly, she falls
a loud thud and she realizes
her head has met the pavement
street lights above
the phone detaches
darkness
darkn...

love at first sight

my favorite movie is "imagine me and you". i've watched it over and over and over again, and then over again...one more time. why? because i believe in love at first sight and this movie is all about that. plus, i have obsessive behavior

and i'm bored

and it takes my mind off things that i don't want to think about

plus the women are fantastically gorgeous!

its a lite love comedy. a lil serious overtone, but funny just the same. the supporting cast is terrific. you have to pay close attention to the dialogue cuz its a british film (sub-titles help) i feel sorry for Hec tho, the husband, but happy for Rach and Luce...anyway, the story is tastefully done in my opinion

i've experienced love at first sight once in my life thus far. i believe it can happen more than that. at least i hope so. i'll never forget the first time it happened to me. that moment. best feeling in the world. lots of people don't believe in it but i think it happens more than what we like to admit. its just, well, we don't get to act on it for whatever reason so we just deny it

some people confuse it with infatuation or lust. some people blame it on booze (okay, this one is valid). and there is nothing wrong with any of them. its just what we do or don't do with it that matters and determines whether we've actually looked into their soul or not

mirrored souls

love at first sight means that, well, at that first glance, that first look, you can't peel your eyes away from theirs, even though you know your staring, and you try to release your stare. and that first glance seems like an eternity yet it may only be 2 or 3 seconds

blissful eternity

after that, circumstances, personality, braveness, courage all come in to play as to whether or not you get to prove that it really was or is love

ahhh

yes, i love love at first sight

i want to be in love again

i want to see my reflection in hers, see my rights and my wrongs. feel my own energy merging with hers, enveloping our physical presence, embracing our thoughts and forming words before they are spoken. unspoken language that is understood immediately

i want to spoon, hug, kiss, touch

i want to laugh and cry and be heard

i want to be guided and guide

i want to be in love again

imagine me and you

good luck to me and you

poor planning or just bad intentions

funny thing, this economy crisis...NOT. puts the scare in a lot of us. especially those of us who are no longer considered in our "prime". how is it that while many folk my age are discussing retirement i'm discussing what i want to do when i grow up? poor planning or bad intentions?

what did i pray for?

what did i request from the universe?

you know, i really like texas, at least Austin

applications/rejections

waiting is nothing more than the time needed for God to
set up our next steps...new path...answer prayers

guess i'm coming home

plucking frogs

plucking frogs
noisy little webbed feet cutie slimy bulging eyes
noisy frogs
tree frogs?
i forgot to ask my sissy
proly tree frogs so they can stick
their sticky feet on the side of the nonstick pool

sissy can't sleep
noisy sticky feeted frogs are singing her a song
a harmony, a choir 100 or a thousand strong
(i don't really know. no one actually counted)

it's spring and time to open the pool
the frogs SOMEHOW know that the winter is over
they cling to the round aluminum sided giant pond that
the nice humans made for them
wasn't that nice of the humans?
the noisy sticky frogs think so

sissy can't sleep from all the singing
even though the sentiment is appreciated
sissy is irritated
they keep singing night after night

time to pluck the frogs off their pond
and put them in trees next door
yes, sissy plucks the frogs
and puts them, one by one, in trees
on her baby daughter property
this gives her time to open the pool
clean out all the delicious pond scum
put the chlorine in
kill remaining delicious pond scum

the sticky noisy frogs jump or climb from the trees
return to the human pond
smell the chlorine
taste the chlorine
find a new pond

sissy sleeps

three layers of deodorant

man, it's cold again
damn it, it's snowing again
what the hell!


comments from days in the mitten state
during winter months
not too long ago
cloaked in three layers of tops
darned in two layers of socks
one layer of deodorant

i hear things are blooming
quite beautifully in my home landscape
i ask on purpose of the news
needing updates on what critters are lurking
about
what birds have returned to their native
ice land, now transforming into a green wonderland
what soundtrack from mother nature is playing?

i imagine i am there
just close my eyes
sit under this fan that is swooshing above my head
out on the patio
out in the sweltering 100 plus temp

i hate the cold
despise the cold
prisoner of the cold
it's not cold here...or is it?
i forget i am the maker of my reality
easy to forget once you've lost your grip
stumbled down a path that i thought i wanted
thought i needed

green grass here but not for long
not with the blazin sun just waiting to dry up
every last drop that the golf has provided to date

green grass at home, but only for awhile, a short while
until the sun approaches the earth and lessons the warming
rays that reach the mitten coasts

everything relative
what you don't have you miss
what you do have we take for granted
what we want...not sure

three layers of deodorant so far today
it's hot
i'm going out to play

the fence

it's quiet here, only a few miles away from the rio grande river. it was quite here even prior to the school closings and people's fear to interact with the public and the 104 degree heat haze. hey, i just remembered. what about the wild pigs (abby's) in my bro's backyard? do pigs swim? do they go back and forth across the border? is the government, the CDC, CSpan and CNN tracking the abby's?

the boxer and the abby's go nose to nose between the only thing that seperates them...the fence

the abby's snort their thick phlegm on the boxer

the boxer has left his drooly spittle on me...

i should call CNN

a 24 hour reprieve

word from a friend today stating another friend passed. Gerry. i worked with G. he worked for me and was one of my best designers. he sent me a lovely email just after i was let go from my job telling me how wonderful i was to work for. he told me to keep my spirits up and my head held high. stay positive, he said. he got let go just after i did from the same company...about six months ago. i didn't know he was troubled. how could i? i learned he struggled in and out of rehab. and he couldn't find a job.

marriage issues
booze issues
life issues

so, G downed a couple of fifths last monday, called his wife at her work (she didn't answer), bit down on a barrel and left his end on voice mail. i hope he has peace now. i'm sure he does. my mourning is for his family.

i immediately called my mom after reading the news. she said she was worried about me being alone in Austin and that she didn't sleep well last night. (mom has a special worry spot in her heart for me. her alcoholic daughter. sick daughter. mom has experience. like husband like daughter. mom knows the ropes. she knows the lies. the cover ups. the deceitfulness. the obsession. she knows what this disease is capable of. after almost six years, she still worries. i get that). i told her of G and straight away reassured her that no job, no marriage, no nothing would make me do that...for this 24 hours, at least. you see, in AA that's how we live our lives. we get a 24 hour reprieve from drinking if we choose. that's all. one day at a time. i have tools if i get into thinking trouble. that's what i have today, a "thinking problem", not a drinking problem. the drinking problem comes if i don't do what i need to do to stay sober each 24 hour period that we are blessed to take part in. i found meetings in Laredo and i've attended one in Austin. more to attend tomorrow.

one day at a time
go to meetings
it works if you work it
don't quit before the miracle happens
play the tape through
you're as sick as your secrets
let go and let God
pray

pray

pray

God, grant me the SERENITY

to ACCEPT the things i cannot change

the COURAGE to change the things i can

and the WISDOM to know the difference

............................just for today,

peace out G

hard tears for hard times

as if last Sunday wasn't enough;

"good-bye"

no..."so long"

no..."until i see you again"

no...bullshit!

NOTHING worse than seeing your children cry

today, my lil sissy went home, back to the mitten state

more bullshit!

time, give it time

find courage. show courage. never thought i'd need courage to stay away from my children and my sissy's and my best friends, and...but, here i am.

god bless my bro & sislaw, they are tryin so hard to make things good for me. am i that deserving? why not? they miss family too. i get that. i sound ungrateful. i'm not. i just miss what's been familiar for sooooo many years. time, give it time

hard tears need to go away

hard times need to go away

what country is this?

the fan overhead goes swoosh, swoosh, swoosh; swoosh, swoosh, swoosh; swoosh, swoosh, swoosh; the fan overhead goes...I'm thinking of Emma and her favorite Baby Genius nursery rhyme (from Comcast ON DEMAND), "wheels on the bus"

Emma had another nightmare. she lives in a world within her mind which is far more advanced than her lil 2 year old body AND the big people world around her. as if I could do anything to help her make her sleepy time better; calmer. as of this past weekend, Emmy lives in gramma deedles home and sleeps in uncle Nate's "old" room. that can't help

i no longer live in gramma deedles home or even in the great mitten state. i reside in another country, some 1700 plus miles away, where wild pigs, deer and coyote roam and graze about 100 feet beyond the backyard patio (thankful for fencing right now)

texas. it really should be its own country. its big enough

different people

different language

different on and off ramps from busy highways (immediate right angled exits!)

different grass (feels like plastic)

just...different

it's not the mitten state. that's it. i do like the palm trees. i like being with my bro and sis-in-law. i like their home

i like my home

two days seems like forever when i measure them against how much i miss everyone back home. i'll get used to this country. every one's happy for me. it's just a vacation, right?. swoosh, swoosh, swoosh.

what a day

packing; phone calls; laundry; 4am I shut my eyes. 7:30am phone call; grand baby girl sick, daughter needs help. bro has dreams of marketing our dream in Japan. grand baby can't keep anything down. daughter's toilet won't flush; bathroom needs cleaned. grand baby boy is smily. home; laundry from daughters soiled bedding from grand baby; nap time. awake. son is swearing in a text because he can't wake me from nap. grand baby girl going to emergency; son reluctantly goes to sit with grand baby boy until daddy comes home; other gramma sick but leaves her work to go with daughter to ER; I missed all this because I was napping. no plane tickets yet for sissy; I can help; some people still have jobs and are very busy; I can help; no problem. packing. cleaning. grand baby girl home; feeling better; phew. piston buddy arrives. son home from friends; straight to his room; don't see him much; 17. son hungry; no food; taco bell; they forget his nachos; I'm in dog house; nothing going right for him this week; his words; hormones; sadness; girls; resided to his room. pistons lost...again. daughters laundry is done. son says good night. piston buddy goes home. a mountain of garbage from unpacking home goes to curb. feed the cats. blog.

Ponderance

I've written of fears of leaving my family, leaving my surroundings, leaving the smell of an early spring morning in these moldy and moss covered grounds. But one thing I realized today is that I will also be leaving my friends...my lesbian friends. It took years to find good friends that you could trust. Those that didn't play games. Those that weren't looking for anything but my friendship. Years.

Sitting with my girlfriend (not my lover) this evening. Each of us perched on the couch, wrapped in our cozy throws, sharing the same foot stool, watching the Piston game. Sometimes we'd talk. Sometimes we'd just sit and stare at the silly game on the TV; silence. And we were perfectly content.

Silence

Game over

Make a CD of Slumdog Millionaire

Watch Jay and Silent Bob...laugh, laugh, laugh

Say good night

Hug

Drive home

I wonder if I will be able to find this in Texas?

details, details, details

The law of attraction states, and I paraphrase, that which you focus your attention upon the most is that which you receive or attract. I know the universe, one source energy, that which we call God, is responding to my intentions. I just wasn't focusing on the details. I asked for a job, I asked for warm weather, I asked for a peaceful change in my life. So, now, eight months after losing my job ,I'm moving to Texas. Hmmm. Okay, well I don't have a job to go to...yet...but, the weather IS warm, to say the least, and I DO feel peaceful knowing that there are better opportunities for me there than here in the mitten state. I am blessed with a loving group of siblings, one of whom, along with his super darling wife, is making this move a possibility. They are so generous and excited about me coming. Me too. Me not. Want to go, must go, happy to finally get back on my feet. Sad to go, must go, will miss those in the mitten state.

practice what i preach

okay, so, it's been over six months...(6)...since I held a real job. I'm not talking 'bout my new biz, or the job as mom or gramma, or the job where I take care of my house and laundry and cats, etc. None of that "domestic goddess" crap, but a "REAL" job with REAL money coming in and going out. It seems I'm feeling more of the pressure with all that shiny, sparkly, bitter cold frozen rain drapped all over the landscape. It's uninviting to say the least. Everything seems to be standing still; the unemployment index; the job recruiter; the dark clouds hovering from the skies; punxsutawney phil, or however you spell that groundhogs name, whom I kindly refer to as "fat bastard"; the government as they collect themselves in large rooms and argue about what to do next; and me. oh, if i could just get this positive energy flowing and spread across the universe. that's what i tell everyone: we make our own dreams come true with the energy we put out there, right? i tell people to stay focused; this too shall pass; if your ship don't come in-swim out to it! well, i need to start swimming. just a minute while i go find my suit. a dose of my own medicine is long over due. ♥ by the way...school is going okay. it's gets me out of the house and into the frozen tundra!

home depot and retirement

it's been six months, count them, SIX; 1,2,3,4,5,6, since i've been lawfully employed in this great state of Michigan. damn. what have i been doing for six months? seems like i've been busy. oh hell, i can't even remember what day of the week it is anymore. except MARVIN days. Mondays from 1 to 2. no, sometimes i forget him too. i still can't find my glasses. i did, however, find my chap stick, of which Emmy got her little spider fingers on...and now it's gone again. the socks are still missing.

the biz is going, slooooooowly, but surely. we're getting ourselves out there at trade shows, via web site and face to face sales from the back of my bro's truck. good job, bro. everyone involved is excited. well, almost everyone. a lil glitch in the expectations of one threw us into our first family feud. can you guess why? yup, money. curses to the greenage! it seems i've been called out on the carpet as "controlling". hmm, the Hudson river pilot was controlling. good thing, eh? isn't it natural to be controlling? yes, indeed, i am controlling. doesn't mean im IN control though. but i digress.

i'm going to home depot this week barring any unforeseen depression that seems to hit me 10 to 100 times a week, resulting in dormancy, freeze mode, where i dare not venture outside nor do anything productive inside. anyhoo-hoo, home depot. home depot sounds good. i love the smell of their dirt coated floors and the fresh lumbar aroma is like apple pie. every one's in jeans, tennies, work boots, flannels. ah yes, flannels. daytime jammies. i always said i wanted to work at home depot when i retire. another fine example of "be careful of what you wish for". am i retired? is the universe confused about what i asked for? details, details, details. must be more detailed. i'm not retired, just re-routed. wish me luck (but don't forget the details!)

did i mention i went back to college?

where does the stuff go?

why can't i find my glasses? maybe they're under the stove. they've been missing now since july. i've tried to use the law of attraction by visualizing them found...seeing them on my face and making me look stylish. trying to feel the joy of what it's like to have them back.

the only thing that's happened so far is that i've lost more stuff! where the hell is my chap stick, my comb, my car rugs, my very cool columbia winter boots and my spoons? how does someone lose spoons? can anyone answer that?

okay, focusing too much on losing stuff. must focus on KEEPING stuff!

make more notes...post it notes....everywhere.

black board in utility room. calendar in kitchen. scheduler in cell phone. phone calls from mom.

put things back where they belong.

touch it once!

oh, and don't forget about the socks. somewhere on this earth or some parallel universe are little leprechauns running around wearing all my missing socks. they must look ridiculous. maybe it's the monkeys and not the green irish trolls. my 2 year old gran-baby seems to think there are monkeys at large.

i just want my glasses back. pleeeease universe please

*big big sigh"

and then the innocent one arrives

amongst all the chaos. the holiday festivities, gatherings, quarrels and sibling rivalry. regardless of income or social status. parental age or maturity matters not. he arrives. a little bundle of love. hope. innocence. he arrives. at the dawning of the last day of 2008. a tax write off.

grand baby number 4. a boy. wow.

the universe has spoken. he has chosen this life. his parents. his journey. what is my role? he will let me know.

who does he look like? his mommy? his daddy. his savant sister? he has angelina jolie lips. bonus. he looks like himself.

memories flood to the surface.

baby cries

baby cries

poopy diapers

feedings

worry

worry

worry

love

love

take my breath away type love


if only i had awakened back when my babies arrived. i'd had viewed things much differently. with much more patience. much more understanding. no accidents. just deliberate creation and co-creation.

all things have a reason

awakening

welcome, little man, welcome to earth

so many turkeys, so many answers

so my neighbor asks me, one day last summer, if i've seen the turkeys yet this year. there is a family of them, of couple families that wonder about our "literally" 20 acre woods (the cuddly wuddly fluffed with stuff pooh critter is not the only one who lives near 20 acres ***i never could remember that song....or the tiggers bounce tune....hmmm***).

i say "not yet" and he continues by claiming they nest in the trees and he's found their nest.

it's winter now and i've shared this information with any wiling and non-willing listener, when the subject of turkeys came up, of course, ever since. i get excited when i learn something new. anything new. okay, not anything...just good anything, especially regarding my backyard furry and feathery frenz.



(a challenge)

then, after sharing my new found story one more time, i get a quizzical look...from an elderly woman who is worldly and wisest of wisest persons (whom i just KNEW would be particullary interested in my new bit of wildlife factuals). a challenge. no one has challenged my story to date. turkeys nest in trees. the question: "how do the babies get down?". hmmm. how DO the little birdlets get down from the tree without breaking their bum? i don't know. didn't have an answer for that one. no matter. i'm satisfied with my story as such. besides, he found the nest. he saw it with his own eyes. in our neck of the woods. it's gotta be right. right?

(i learn the truth)

she continues: 'according to some "ol timers" turkeys don't "nest" in the trees. they sleep in the trees. they nest or lay eggs on the ground'.

(choice of words...."nest", "sleep"?)

i'm still curious so i take it to the number one source of all information, all truths, non-questionable and 100% factual explanations and "for sures"...

google!

the answer: turkeys "nest" on the ground, they sleep in trees.

google...keeping stories on the up and up for years to come