it

i feel ugly
therefore i act ugly
i spread ugly
i attract ugly

there is so much of it out there
out...beyond...spoken...projected
where does "it" come from

from

within

how do i get rid of "it"

i never asked to feel this way
ok maybe i did

if i account events of my past
i'm pretty sure i invited it in when things didn't go
my way

i feel foolish
big fool

now i can't let go
won't
but i should

cuz i'm really tired of the "it" coming
back to me
like it belongs here
inside

it doesn't
it needs to go
it needs to leave me alone
anyone contributing by putting it
in my life
will need to have a boundary line
a cicle
only i'll be on the outside

sometimes as nice as i can be
only leads to someone being disappointed
i can't reach everyone
pieces of me
there is enough
if it is enough for you
if not, look elsewhere
you'll be fine
ill be fine

there will always be those out there
out...beyond...not you...private...public
that will hear joy spoken, be subjected to a positive attitude, and sometimes even presented with love
and take that as an invitation to a bad mitten game

and smack the crap out of it
out of you

poor birdie

i refuse
to participate
i will retract first
wrestle with "it" internally
maybe write a little bit about "it"
and then release "it"
once gone
not my problem

unless...

i make it mine

"it" is a lot of work
but i'll never give up
nope
the ugly
is just too ugly for me
say what cha want



time to get off the merry go round

stop

adjust

turn


begin again
as often as it takes

turnstile

I have or have been:
turned off
turned on
turned away
turned over

turned around
turned in
turned out
turned inside out
turned upside down

turned left
turned right
turned green
turned red

turned eggs
turned tricks

turned straight
turned gay

turned vegetarian
turned unitarian
turned christian
turned nondenominational
turned to stone

turned democrat
turned liberal
turned sober
turned a new page
turned over a new leaf
and
turned the channel

some of these turning points were welcomed
some were not
some were my choice
some were not
some were happy
some...not so much

but...the most pivotal, to date, turn of events, rock my world,
thought provoking,
set my moral compass in motion was...

turning 50

a season
a decade
a half century
wow
how blessed am i

because i have a song reference for just about
every situation, moment, conversation, etc.
i quote my most favorite of all songs
a song that reminds me of a time when i was young
-40 years young
and my sister would echo the words coming
from the radio, the music, and i would be still in the melodic sound,
the harmony, her voice, as this would play

From the Book of Ecclesiastes and The Byrds:

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

i am a turnstile

What the Hulk Must Feel Like

I've become cautious with my writing
Concerned about the masses
Concerned that I might disrespect someone
Like I'm that important

My life is changing...again
One more crutch tossed aside
Not tossed too far though
Just aside
Just out of reach
Toying with me
Like it's a game
A dual between my mind and a pack of cigarettes
Crazy
Making me crazy

They say if you think you're crazy, most likely you are not
Crazy people don't know they are crazy
That's a good thing because I think I'm totally nuts lately!

Like the beginning of the end of my drinking I needed to adjust how I went about my daily activities
I needed to avoid the "triggers," which meant I needed to avoid everything and everyone!
No, that was not going to work
I planned my smoking, by the number, as if my life depended on it
Intertwined and on my mind 24/7
And now I was about to abruptly stop the only way i knew to function and go it alone,
cold turkey
what the fuck was I thinking.

When I finally quit, just over three months ago, it felt euphoric
I was so, sooo happy and proud of myself
I shouted it to world!  Ok, I shouted it mostly to my Mom.
(She is always extremely happy and supportive when I quit doing bad things to myself.  At least, she seems to be)

Yes!  I put down the smokes!  Yay, me!
I Cut off the 1000 lb ball of chain
Killed my slave master
Joined the ranks of the health conscious freaks (of which I lovingly referred to them in my addictions)

But, in order to stay quit, I knew I needed to do one thing...

Find a replacement addiction

Running

Run, run, run, run,
Off to the store I went to buy some new kicks, new duds,
find my mp3 player and start running

a mile, then two, then 3, etc

My euphoria lasted about 3 weeks (even though I kept running and still do)
the excitement turned into depression, anxiety, edginess,
it was hard to be in my own skin
I imagined what it might have felt like when Bruce Banner turned into the Hulk

i'd finish a long run and be so happy that i just wanted to reward myself...with a cigarette
light that shit right up
take a deep drag and let the burn of the smoke crossing my throat and
down into my lungs praise my accomplishment
bringing me that calm that had been missing in the last weeks.

"no," i told myself and continued to tell myself
and with every "no" i continued to become more and more frustrated as the days went on

run some more, was the answer
I started signing up for every 5k run i could find on the weekends
run some more
avoid cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking meals,
seeing your family
avoid it all and just run
run until the ache of wanting is gone
run until the desire to harm myself is no longer a feeling but just a distant thought
that i can control, turn on and off like a light switch
run until you're so tired that all you want to do is sleep
pass the days
add time to the calendar marking each day that i left that dreadful, disgusting habit behind

run

and so i did

i ran from everything and everybody --- 


3 months later


people miss me that i avoided, intentionally and unintentionally
i miss me
i'm tired of being tired
i'm tired of being frustrated and angry

they say it's 6 months of hell until you feel normal again
(i'm not sure what normal is since i've been an addict my entire life, giving up one bad thing at a time)
I've got 3 more to go

so, to those i have offended, hurt, avoided, etc., please know how sorry i am
please know that i am doing this to better myself
please know this is harder than when i quit drinking
please know that i have to change in order to move on and
do some things that i have always wanted to do
please know that as long as i am physically able
i will keep running, because it's what makes me happy

however, i will try to find some balance between running and life

i'm turning 50 next month
i've raised my kids
grown my career
seen some very hard times
been through some very hard struggles
it's my time


eventually the hulk will be silenced