achieving balance

i have this daunting feeling that i never give enough
so there are times when i just shut down
no return phone calls
no "how you doing" just because i'm thinking of you
i just shut down

no writing
no cards
no visiting
no thoughts

people's well being is my concern
over my own
and when i fail to make them well
i fail

it's a marter's nightmare

i can never do enough
like i can never have too many drinks
or too many chocolate bars
or too many cups of coffee
until i make myself sick

i attract those less fortunate
and bleed my soul on to them
steering a herd of sheep onto the right path
and they never asked me to do it in the first place

how self righteous is that?
yes, it's selfish

when no one really wants anything from me
anything but my friendship
my companionship
my love
MY well being

no, it's not my purpose

i must give
i will
once i'm rested again

it makes me who i am
but if i am to stay sane
worthy
functional
sober
i must find balance

my sheep need me
whether they know it or not
and i need them

but for now i'm safe in my lair
until the threat of my self is gone
a place where i recoup
i regroup
i regenerate

because as much as giving of myself takes away
drains my energy
and exhausts my spirit
giving is my purpose

and i shall give what i have
one person at a time
one soul at a time
one heart at a time

and when i accept that some just can't be helped
and that its none of my business

i will have achieved balance

regardless

when the morning breaks
all blackness erased
and the day before
can be seen no more

you're still in my heart
though distant as the stars
not in space but in time
its your journey, follow the signs

as you take your own path
i seek mine and don't look back
eyes forward, peripheral vision off
each step i feel, each step i walk

i know exactly what i want
ready to receive and nurture
for what i've settled for in the past
no longer fits in my future

you've shaped me with your beauty
you've taught me with your pain
i'm grateful for each moment
these lessons are not in vain

i've no regrets, only clarity
guidelines for what i want and don't want
through you i've experienced so much
more than i had planned


i will always thank you
i will always appreciate you
i will always carry you with me
and i will always love you,


regardless

paper cuts to carpet cuts

monday morning
my coffee cup in hand
late for work
didn't want to turn on the stairway light cuz
the big boy was sleeping in the adjacent room

it's 5:45am
and i'm carefully maneuvering my tired body and
my morning cup of joe back up the stairs
to return to the bathroom so i can quickly
prepare for work

not running, walking.
aware of the four fur ball shadows
that are darting in and out of view
as if i've missed the segment in their
routine that requires i pet them each for five minutes.

climbing. careful. its dark.
but i can somewhat see the glow of the
dimly lit powder room so that's what i focus on.
bad move.

for what i couldn't see was the top stair

bam! left foot big toe barely (no pun intended) catches
the front of it, hurling me forward, and not very quietly either,
as i try to keep myself from slamming into the corner of the wall

coffee up my nose, feet pounding the floor
dancing with two left feet.  geeeezuzzz! i wanted to scream.

i gain control and assess the immediate damage when
i reach the bathroom. phew. im good.
i contained the spillage with my clothing

staring into the mirror. ouch, i think.  i look down.
blood.
all over the bathroom floor.
my left foot toe is split wide open on the underside

serious?  by carpet? had to be a nail, right?
went back but this time turned the light on
(screw the boy. he can go back to sleep)

no nail. no glass. no needle. no knife. no wire. no nothing.
just carpet.

i now wear my old man slippers all over the house

they say paper cuts are the worst thing
i beg to differ