I am an Addict

Tick, tock, minute by minute, second by second,
hours in a day.  A day in a week and a week in a month,
and so on. And so on.  And so on I go.  On I go. Go.

Keep going. Don't give up.  Push through the seconds,
and the minutes, and the hours, and the days, and the weeks,
and on and on.

The world moves so fast, a blur; yet I feel like I'm crawling.

Breathe.  Why is it so hard to breath? Unclench. Unclench my jaw, my shoulders, my stomach...my hands. My sweating hands. My warm sweating hands that feel cold to the touch of my burning face, relieved only by intermittent waves of cool, tingly breezes dancing across my skin from head to toe.

Is it time to sleep yet?  Sleep will help me breath.  I won't think about
breathing because my body automatically knows how when I'm sleeping, right?  Why have I forgotten how?  Let go.

Let go and let my body do what it already knows how.  Let go of the control. I am in control of nothing anyway.  Nothing except whether or not I reach, grab, place, consume that bit of once wondrous magic that now turns to poison the minute it mixes with my blood.  That poison that so long ago was my gateway out of social hell.  My savior.  My salvation from shyness, from ugliness, from humiliation, from being less than.  It gave me strength and courage to be all that I lacked, to join the illusion, the chain of networks that measure us and rate us and draw from their own experiences and try to make them ours.

Pacing, voices, loneliness, purging, crying, bargaining, praying, begging, screaming, accepting.

Yes, I'll sleep.  If I can stop the thoughts of wanting.  Wanting more.  More is never enough.

Morning.

Wake up and re-live the nightmare.  Do it again.
Do it until the poison is out of the blood.
Do it until I can breath again without thinking about it.
Do it until the shaking and sweats go away.
Because they will. I know they will.  They say they will and I believe.  I can no longer trust the illusion.

And when they do, when my body stops retaliating for not giving it what I said was good for so many years,  and I am calm and there is peace and the cravings stop, what residuals will I find from all this hard work known as "detox?"..

Life

Unveiled, Uncensored, Raw and Real.
In my face and mine to decide how to react to it because for so many years the poison did all the reacting for me.

Enough
I had enough and am tired of living in the mist of a fog laden and a no-way-there's-a-happy ending fairytale.
Enough
I never have to do this again.

Tick, tock, second by second, minute by minute, hours in a day,
a day in a week and a week in a month and then...

Happy Anniversary.  Breathe.

Weekends

oh the streets are so busy
metal speeding down the pathway
to only they know where

work
friends
appointments
shopping
work

why so fast?
maybe, like i, they wait to
the last minute
to get on the fast track
savoring every moment of sleep
before they have to get up
and put on the jump suit

mario andretti school of driving
it seems

weekends

the time of living in the real world
with real people
not robots
cattle

ahh, yes, me like me some weekends

Thought Deflection

I just need to take a moment to reflect

to write
therapy
thought deflection

I can't seem to get the worry out of my body,
perpetuated by my obsessive thinking of what my daughter is
going through right now.

I remember when she was in the hospital, so, so
long ago.  She was just sixteen years old.
A terrible car accident put her there.
Put her in a coma,
broken, fragile, unconscious, lifeless

Her mother and I spending every possible
moment with her
wondering
worried
crying
foggy
should we plan for the worst?

no, that was unfathomable
no, that is not part of the plan

it was the most scared i've ever been
we will never forget
but we do heal, did heal
she healed


Although she is not going through quite
the same event with her own daughter now
her precious, beautiful five year old
who needs open heart surgery
she goes through the same emotions
the same worries
the fear of the unknown

her baby is sick
that's all she knows
her baby will be hurting
that's all she fears

we knew she was in good hands some
fourteen years ago
and her little girl will be in good hands as
well this week
that doesn't always comfort us enough though
this i know
if she could just feel the trust we most certainly CAN trust
that just like her, her baby will be absolutely fine

know it
believe it
draw on all the powerful, positive
energy that our God gives us through
the bonds we have in family and friends

if she could just feel that
feel it from me
her Mother
her siblings
God works through us, honey

if she could

but i know that's hard
i've been there
so, i'll be that for her
we'll be that for her
all of us
all that care
care enough to say a prayer

care

caring

caring enough

caring is enough

all that matters is our collective thoughts
sending nothing but caring
her way, and her baby's way

and so it is