a challenge

white page
hello
black beginning to take over; contrast, sharp
welcome back

big gap in my writing!

i do not like

why is it that i cannot multitask my obsessions?

do this, remember?  you love it

it's like training
you're not going to get better
or feel rewarded
by sitting on the couch and dreaming about it

you know you're good
you know this is what brings you the most happiness

let's see how big the next gap is

that's right, a challenge

it

i feel ugly
therefore i act ugly
i spread ugly
i attract ugly

there is so much of it out there
out...beyond...spoken...projected
where does "it" come from

from

within

how do i get rid of "it"

i never asked to feel this way
ok maybe i did

if i account events of my past
i'm pretty sure i invited it in when things didn't go
my way

i feel foolish
big fool

now i can't let go
won't
but i should

cuz i'm really tired of the "it" coming
back to me
like it belongs here
inside

it doesn't
it needs to go
it needs to leave me alone
anyone contributing by putting it
in my life
will need to have a boundary line
a cicle
only i'll be on the outside

sometimes as nice as i can be
only leads to someone being disappointed
i can't reach everyone
pieces of me
there is enough
if it is enough for you
if not, look elsewhere
you'll be fine
ill be fine

there will always be those out there
out...beyond...not you...private...public
that will hear joy spoken, be subjected to a positive attitude, and sometimes even presented with love
and take that as an invitation to a bad mitten game

and smack the crap out of it
out of you

poor birdie

i refuse
to participate
i will retract first
wrestle with "it" internally
maybe write a little bit about "it"
and then release "it"
once gone
not my problem

unless...

i make it mine

"it" is a lot of work
but i'll never give up
nope
the ugly
is just too ugly for me
say what cha want



time to get off the merry go round

stop

adjust

turn


begin again
as often as it takes