when

black
black
black
darkness hovers like vultures

dont look up

fear, future, panic, no uncle sam funds, no job, no home

self-pitty
im entitled once in awhile

out of balance with the universe

i don't know how much i can endure

lost
lost
lost
i need a map, i can't see in front of me

lots of answers for others
not too many for me

wait
wait
wait
the door will open

when

learning to surf

they come in waves
the worries, the fears, the uncertainties, the disappointments
but just know the tide that brings them in will take them out
grab that surf board and ride

learning to surf can be exhilarating

included in the wave is this thing called
forgiveness
in order to understand what it means to forgive
we must first experience the hurt that warrants it

learning to surf can be painful

the wave also brings deceit
which means we may get fooled
not by another but by our own perceptions
our own expectations

learning to surf requires trusting yourself to overcome

the wave brings with it debris
the water can get muddy, gritty
sometimes it's salty and stings your eyes
or it's so huge it knocks you off your ass
slamming you face first into the wall of its power

learning to surf requires practice and courage to get back on the board

life events, emotions, joys, darkness, challenges
come in waves
oh its nice when the ocean is calm, serene, motionless
this is what we all hope to experience

but knowing that the universe does not sit still...

activity will stir...

and with that motion we may get a little tossed around...

hold on to your butt...

and learn to surf

asleep

i was at a gathering yesterday with family
and friends, people i love and people i just met
most times i find myself in these gatherings
where the subject of politics and religion
never comes up

my father, however, always seems to manage to
get some poke of negativity in on both subjects
but often i can just allow him to be him
and not let it permeate my skin
permeate my neurons and ego

last night was not one of those times
and it was not my father on this occasion
it was a man whom i never met before
a stranger
a good friend of the host and hostess
around the campfire

"purgatory"

oh no

here we go

i think my brother brought it up

that word started the spark

the stranger

a self proclaimed blood born-again christian
judging the world, judging the catholics,
judging the blacks, judging the mexicans,
judging the president, judging the homosexuals
theyre all going to hell
jesus and god are killers of sinners
judgment day

ugly, ugly, ugly

i shut him up later
just confessed who he was sitting next to
he left

i felt ill
my own judging eating at me
he permeated my skin
toxic poisonous words
against the grain of what god is truly about
love...forgiveness...no matter what

people

humans

me

for a short while

i was...

asleep

a science lesson

imagine that we live in a circle
not that circle of life thing but
the family circle, made up of blood lines, friends,
extended family members, by either law or just welcoming
arms that say "come, join us", "be a part of us"

then, i have a question

does the circle just get bigger and bigger
as the family grows
and does it reach a point where it gets so
big that it stretches like a balloon and
if so will it burst?

pop

or do the circles go through mitosis:

"...the process by which a parent cell divides into two or more daughter cells. Cell division is usually a small segment of a larger cell cycle..."

yeah, that's the answer

through the process of mitosis, not through the expansion of air
inside a balloon, an attempt to equalize the pressure within
a given amount of volume and elasticity...

a family grows

divides

expands

becomes stronger in numbers

shares common DNA

multiplies

bonds

goes on

and on

and on...

creating a legacy

whether you "feel" part of the
family circle or not

you are

through memories


science is a wonderful thing

that make a family

oh this road that led me here
brings memories of good and some of tears
looking back over all these years
how much time i did waste on fear

he's eighteen now and with ropes on his shoulders
cap on top and a gown he couldn't wear bolder
going out into the world with the innocence of a soldier
oh he makes me proud and makes me feel older

i wasn't given the title of a woman with children
not naturally no, my grace was to be barren
so i borrowed and begged and stole over and again
the right to say "son" even if it's not true and never has been

in my world, i have a legacy
two older girls and a boy makes three
they'll never carry my name, never carry my gene
but they'll carry my love and all the memories...

that make a family

saying grace

when i say grace
i say it with love
thanking the one
the one up above

for when i had grace
i had a true friend
who loved unconditionally
all the way to the end

when i met grace
i thought she a he
til i read her name tag
on the cage it read "Lily"

when i held grace
the very first time
she purred uncontrollably
then on my head she climbed

when i took home grace
her name i did change
she witnessed my worse
of the bottle i claimed

when i needed grace
always she came
through sickness and tears
she purred through my shame

when i left grace
two months til i returned
she greeted me just a runnin
her love reaffirmed

when i slept with grace
she burrowed in my arm
all night she motored
and snored until dawn

when i said good-bye grace
i'll take away your pain
i did it with love
cuz i know she'd want it that way

now when i say grace
a response i do not hear
just an empty feeling
but i know she is near

grace

grace

grace

thank you

Amen